Prodigal Daughter

Before living where I am now, I’d come home to my dad and brothers from Bloomington, IL. Regardless of what the day brought, I knew going home meant I’d be in a safe space with the people that I held dearest in my heart. Any time I’d picture my future, it would be that. However, by the time I turned 36, I was living alone with no ending in sight. I hated it very much. 

At the height of this disappointment in God, I met Sean. Sean had made a name for himself within the Chicago area as an influencer of faith and had a great following. He requested me on Facebook and I accepted after seeing we had over 100 mutual friends. We began chatting on Messenger, small talk at first: food, music, laughing at videos. Then he admitted to being attracted to me and wanted to get to know me outside of social media. I was very excited, fully believing I had finally been found by a man after God’s heart. Unfortunately, the moment we met in person, it was clear the man he portrayed himself to be was nothing more than a facade. I immediately left him alone, allowing the bitterness and disappointment to grow deeper towards God. 

After Sean, it was easy to believe God was playing with me. My entire dating life was a joke. Even so-called men of God turned out to be not so. Enough was enough. It was time to take matters into my own hands. I decided the next man that came into my life, I would withhold nothing from him. I was done waiting on God.

Marcus and I began chatting on Facebook Messenger, after being friends on social media for several years. The conversation progressed from being friendly, catching up on life, offering advice, to him asking for my number. Our first conversation was 5 hours long. From that moment until our time together ended, he called me every single day.

In the beginning it seemed as if we were answers to one another's prayers. He said he asked God for his wife, but at the time he wasn't sure where he was headed in life. Nevertheless, unlike the men of my past, he refused to walk away because he wasn’t ready. He said there's no way he can walk away from the blessing God had clearly placed before him. Me! MUSIC. TO. MY. EARS.

We began sharing our lives: he had goals and certain things he wished to obtain. I stepped in as his helpmate. He included me in the multiple business ventures he had. In addition, he began to provide wise counsel on my personal gifts. For the first time in my life, I felt seen and understood. We were building the foundation of our future.

We discussed sex. I communicated often I wanted him to be my first. He did not like this idea because he said being someone’s first was a lot of pressure. Eventually, after 8 months together, he confessed his love for me and wanting to take that next step. 

The day wasn't planned. It just happened. We were at his place, he made a move and I folded like a piece of paper. Within a matter of minutes my life changed. Afterward, we went about our day as normal, while my thoughts went in circles about what had just happened. For so long I had fantasized about doing “it.” I always pictured myself excitedly texting my friends to share in that special moment, but for some reason, there was nothing to be excited about. But there was no turning back now.

About a month after we had sex, I found out there were other women. That's also when I witnessed his temper. He now felt a sense of ownership over me. It didn't matter how good I was to him, he wanted me around for how easy I made his life. At some point, everyday seemed like Russian Roulette; walking on eggshells trying not wake the beast. Any little thing could set him off. I lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety. 

I started talking to women around me; gaining insight to their current relationships/marriages. What I found was very disturbing: apparently cheating, verbal abuse, even sometimes physical abuse was normal. I confessed to an older woman, almost like an aunt, that Marcus was sleeping with other women and I was torn if I should leave him. Her response was, "That's what men do; no reason to leave".

For many years I had admired most of the relationships around me. Finding out the truth, that majority of these relationships lacked love, respect, and trust, taunted me for weeks. I tried to picture my life 10 years into the future, with Marcus, dealing with the same anxiety and fears. I couldn't do it. It took some time, but I had reached a point where I preferred to be alone and single than deal with foolishness.

I began to put up boundaries: stopping sex altogether and being so available when he called. I got hired at a local bakery, which took up most of the time he was used to having for himself. I desperately needed to be in God’s presence and around His people, so I began going back to church and even joined a small group for accountability. However, I still couldn’t find the strength to completely let him go. 

One day he texts, asking me to call him. I didn’t and he texted me angrily “F*CK YOU KAREN!” He had something shipped to my house and was waiting for it to arrive. I decided to drive to his house and take the package to him, knowing full well if he was that angry, he just may hit me. After over a year of giving God the silent treatment, I prayed. I asked the Holy Spirit to protect me and to give me the strength of 10 men if he touched me. 

Once I arrived, I simply wanted him to get his box out my trunk so I could leave, but he refused and instead harassed me with questions about what I had been doing and why I didn’t call him. I told him I had been minding my business! He grabbed me by my hoodie and said “I’ll push you in front of this car” as one drove past. I yelled back “DO IT!” He laughed and tried to hug me but I declined and let him know there would be no making up. He finally picked up his things, I left and blocked him. 

The following week I went through major withdrawals. The best way I can describe it, is a purging. Marcus was the first man I’d slept with. The most intimate act two humans can experience, I had experienced with him and now my body craved him. Daily I heard the devil tempting me to call him. “You’ll be alone forever.” “Your best years are behind you.” Who’s going to want you now?” “You’re so pathetic!” “Keep waiting on God and see how you’ll continue to be disappointed.”

To battle these thoughts I read my bible out loud. As tears poured down my face, I sat on the bedroom floor and read, but the voices in my head were louder. So loud in fact that I had pressed my hands against my ears, while in fetal position and cried myself to sleep. Once awoke, I’d start reading aloud again.

I also repented. If ‘I know I am the problem was a person’ it’d be me. I confessed how I allowed my heart to turn away from God. From the disappointment to the impatience, I completely laid out what was on my heart. Every word, every action and every thought. I did this for an entire week. 

Finally the tears stopped. I no longer craved Marcus. To be honest, after that week he barely crossed my mind. He tried coming back a year later, but it was beyond easy to not entertain the thought. Since then, I have a church home and I’ve even began mentoring high school girls and encouraging them as they grow in faith. I love them dearly and never even thought God would use me in this way. I’ve gained equally yoked friendships; men and woman that I can share my life and family with. We pray for one another, enjoy God’s presence together and have fun, together.

My biggest regret was allowing the lie of the enemy to create disappointment in God. Believing that there was a mistake in the ‘wait.’ I believed God was taking too long to send my husband all because I couldn’t see anything else for my life. Turns out, His plans are always bigger and better than we can ever imagine.

Yes, I am still single, but it doesn’t mean I will always be. Even now, I find myself ministering to someone about Jesus, and that will be the first thing they point out. How they’d rather have someone than be alone.

They can’t comprehend the confidence I have; to willingly turn down a man interested in me if he doesn’t follow Christ. It’s simple: my life is not my own. When I think about Jesus on the cross, being tortured and treated inhumanly, and dying for me, I’m reminded that the least I can do is live for Him. If you are waiting and tired, do not grow weary. Believe me, I’ve been there, but God sees you, He loves you, and His plans are good for your life! I will continue to serve where God has me and wait on His best. Nothing else will do!

“They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

I Lost My Virginity in 2020

2020 has been one for the books and I’d venture to say no one quite saw the year turning out the way it has. The world at large was faced with challenges it never thought it’d see.  If nothing else, this year has shown us all how very little we actually control.  

For me, the year didn’t start with any specific goals or plans. By January, I was 6 months into officially launching With Love From Karen.  All I thought about was my business and what my next moves would be. 

One morning before heading to an appointment, I made a quick stop at the store. I only needed about 3 items and thought it would be a simple in and out. Once I entered the shop, I stopped dead in my tracks because the store was busier than normal and the atmosphere didn’t feel right, so I immediately walked out to leave. Later that day is when I’d found out about COVID and everything closing. That would be the last day I went outside for a while. 

Two weeks into COVID, my mental condition was disturbing.  My thoughts were not of God at all and it was clear that the enemy had it out for me. My concerns about bills, being stuck in seclusion, and all-around depression had me in a funk for multiple weeks. By April, boredom had compounded the long list of struggles I was already facing so I decided to do something about it. 

I wanted to feel better and more than anything during that time, I constantly longed for companionship. Although I knew that what I was experiencing was a spiritual battle, I made the decision not to care. I only cared about what I wanted and that was to feel something gratifying.  I wanted to feel the opposite of what I was feeling and that’s when I decided, this would be the year I lose my virginity. It only seemed right, especially if the world was about to end.  I mean, why not?

One specific night I looked through the contacts in my phone for male names. My agenda was to find a candidate and ask him to come over. However, as I scrolled through the names, I began to remember why I didn’t like each guy I passed. One guy didn’t floss; how can I have sex with someone who doesn’t floss?  Another guy had a voice that annoyed me.  He literally sounded like a woman; that’s clearly a no.  The mental complaints went on until there were no more contacts to scroll through.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t looking for perfection, just someone I at least liked and wouldn’t be ashamed of. 

Then the DMs happened.  Since the world was shut down, I, along with everyone else on social media, became more engaging.  I’d begun chatting with male friends on Facebook.  Nothing serious at first, but I started to really connect with a friend I had known for some years. We decided to meet up after hours of messaging and from the moment we met in person, we could not stop talking.  Let me be clear, this was not love at first sight and there were no fireworks.  We both knew how wrong we were for one another.   So much so that we even discussed other love interests with each other. I had someone to talk to and spend time with during one of the worst times in history and for that I was grateful. 

After hanging out and talking non-stop with my friend for some weeks, I confessed to him I wanted him to be my first. He was the perfect choice in my eyes.  He couldn’t have kids, there’s no love interest for either of us, he wouldn’t feel obligated to marry me and once we had sex, we both could go on living our lives. I explained to him that my only agenda was sex, nothing more, definitely nothing less. One main reason for deciding on him was that I felt safe with him.  Being with him brought peace, like I was in good hands. 

After thinking over my proposal for a few days, my friend tells me that he could not do what I’ve asked of him. He said “Being your first is a great responsibility. I know you’re frustrated, but God wants you to stay pure. I think you should wait until you’re married”. I was so furious with his answer I threw my phone.  What’s crazy is, he’s not even a believer, so to hear him talk about God had me floored! I knew, without any doubt, the Lord was stepping in and protecting me, but I did not care.  Why can’t I ever have what I want?!? ‘I lost my virginity in 2020’ became my only real goal for the year. My plan was perfect and God ruined it. 

For the life of me, I cannot comprehend why God is so adamant about my purity and holiness, but others can sin so easily. This is no judgement at all, but simply what I’ve seen happening for most of my life. Years can go by while I’m single SINGLE; working, paying bills, worshipping, praying, serving, etc. I’m literally minding my own business and then, someone will enter my life and awaken the part of me that I have to hide - wanting a husband, intimacy, a partner to share life with, to be loved, to feel safe with a man in every way humanly possible. 

Next month I will be turning 36.  If you would have asked me when I said I’d wait for marriage if I thought I’d turn 36 and still be single and a virgin, I’d have said “NO WAY!” I’ll be honest, while I know in my head that God’s will is far superior than my own, I am still struggling with this in my heart and other parts of me. I feel very alone as there isn’t anyone that can relate to my life. Maybe one day the Lord will grant me insight to why He’s set me apart. Maybe one day a man will enter my life and actually stay. Maybe. All I know is it’s best to surrender to His will because He wins.  Every single time, He wins.   

* I believe in God the Father, Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit*

CRAZY FAITH

Three years ago, I felt like I was on top of the world. 2016 was a great year, both professionally and personally. By February I was promoted to a position I could see myself retiring from. I made enough money to not only pay bills, but to pay off student loan debt. After a year of taking public transportation, I was now driving a new car. My life was also very peaceful after freeing myself from dating men who I knew there was no future with. Life was GOOD!

Even in the midst of living my best life, I still felt a pull to something else. In my new career it got around that I could bake. I was then volun-told I’d be the baker for our team’s monthly birthday celebrations. The first time I brought in a homemade baked-good, my boss looked at me and said “You shouldn’t be working here. You need your own bakery”. That October, the company’s yearly United Way Fundraiser arrived and my team, once again, told me I’d be baking over 100 cupcakes to sell. As the cupcakes got around and people asked who made them, random people would come up to my desk just to tell me how much they enjoyed my Red Velvet cupcakes; my boss personally walked several people directly to me. While I enjoyed the compliments, I still was very much comfortable where I was in my career. Why would I give that up?

Years prior to this position, I relocated back to my hometown with the intention of going into business for myself. However, when that plan didn’t pan out, I simply said forget it and started working a “normal” job. No matter how many times it came up or how strongly it stayed on my heart, I pushed it away. I’d have dreams of working in a bakery. Family and friends would have the same dream. Many of them had more faith in my gift of baking than I. Still, I was content with where my life was. Why go through the pain of it not working out again? If this was really God’s plan for me, He’d have to remove me from the workforce Himself.

January 2017, I return to work after the holiday to the unfortunate news that my boss had a stroke, her second one while working for this company. She has since recovered and able to return to work, praise God. However, for the sake of her health, she decided not to return as our boss. Now, the professional atmosphere had completely changed. Every morning as I got dressed for work, my mind was full of despair. This was no longer a place I wanted to retire from; instead I wondered how I could escape. Some days were so bad, I’d come home and cry myself to sleep. As much as I prayed, I assumed I’d have to stick it out. What other choice did I have? How else would I eat and pay my bills? As a woman nearing her mid 30s, it’d be considered suicide to start over. 

The more I sought the Lord with my frustrations, the more He reminded me of the passion He created within me. I’d run into a coworker, whom I’d never met mind you, but they followed With Love from Karen (my cake page) on Facebook and they’d instantly refer to me as the cake lady and ask when I planned to open a bakery. Kendra (a woman of faith and 10 years my senior) and I had built a friendship, even outside of work and a few times over the years she’d walk into my cube and I knew instantly she had a message from God. April 11, 2018 was no different. She immediately explained how as of December 2017 it was easier and cheaper to start a business. She spoke life into me for several minutes as I looked at her in disbelief. One thing I will never forget her saying was “It’s a mandate from the Lord; it’s not your choice”. Byron, my new cubemate, was aware of my gift. He wasn’t as pleasant as everyone else. He outright called me a coward! He had a joke going with a few others on our team; they’d say I must not like money because I’m standing on a goldmine. I could be a millionaire by now with the gifts and talent I have. Byron would ask me directly why I haven’t begun to work for myself. Every reason I gave he shut down as an excuse. December 6, 2018 I received a text message from Leah. We attend the same church together and had recently started a prayer team. Her message said “I believe God wants you to hear how to run a successful business...check it out.” with a video attachment.

As 2018 ended, I knew it was time for me to leave my job. After years of denial, I embraced the idea. However, I still had no direction on when or what to do. January 2019 the company is making major changes nationwide. After several meetings there was still no clear understanding of where my team was headed. By now half the office has moved to another location or have been let go. April 23, 2019 we are informed our position is being eliminated. My team has until June 30th to find another job or we are to leave with severance pay. As the director of HR announced this, I immediately knew this was my way out. I tried to hide the look of excitement on my face with the news. Two days later, April 25th, my grandmother passed away.

I take some days off from work for bereavement. Grief begins to take a toll on my faith. I pour all time and energy into looking for employment; within the company and elsewhere. My Pastor posted positions at the church’s headquarters and says he’d put in a good word for me. Finding a new job became my full time job. I had many different formats of my resume; I applied almost anywhere that offered the same or more pay as I currently made. I began to do phone and in-person interviews. I even received wonderful feedback. Despite the effort I made and those who spoke on my behalf, no offers came. Week after week, I was met with rejection after rejection.

I’d had enough. Sunday, May 19, 2019 I pray before bed. I pour all frustrations, anger, and disappointments before the Lord. I’ve watched many coworkers get hired into new positions, moving into the new season of their lives. How can I possibly be rejected so many times when I am a daughter of the most High God! It just didn’t make sense. For almost a month now, I had been depending on my own strength and wisdom. I had finally reached my breaking point. I asked God to show me as I slept what His will/purpose was for my life. I blatantly asked the Lord to show me my future in a dream.

Now, I pretty much knew this would guarantee me to dream while I slept. I expected it. I figured I’d dream of being an author, prayer warrior, missionary, serving in the church, or leading women's small group. Something, ANYTHING to do with church. I was wrong. 

I had 2 dreams. In the first dream, I am moving around hurriedly. Although I can’t see what I am doing, I am moving very fast paced. Finally, I standstill, inhale and look around; I am standing inside my own bakery. Upon waking up and wrapping my mind around my answered prayer, I confided in a friend what my prayer was and what I assumed I’d dream. She responded, “Well, He knows what’s most on your heart right now”. Facts. ALL FACTS. *The second dream will be revealed in Crazy Faith Part 2*

That same morning, Monday, May 20, 2019 I received three additional rejections, all internal positions. Three!!! This is the first time in a month I haven’t been sad or felt the need to cry upon getting news a job didn’t want me. God showed me what He has for me, there was no need to waste any more time and energy applying or interviewing. I knew what my future held. I still had no idea of the details or how I’d get there, but my Heavenly Father does.

My last day in the office was June 25, 2019. As I drove away, I felt free. My time was finally mine! No one else to tell me when to clock in, take a break or eat lunch. It was scary to no longer have the guaranteed direct deposit every other Friday, BUT the peace of knowing I was finally walking into God’s will for my life was priceless. God is a personal God. Every soul on this earth has specific gifts and passions for a reason. I am ashamed of the time I wasted in disobedience; running away from the very things that make me who I am. However, I am now more determined to never make this mistake again. It’s God’s way, or no way!

A Love Letter

Abba,

You are the reason I breathe. You are my strength.  You are my rock. Every morning You allow me to wake up I am covered by Your protection, Your grace and Your mercy. Every day is a new beginning because of You. I have a peace on the inside of me that I never knew was possible. You sit high above the heavens as the all-knowing, almighty, glorious, and holy Creator that You are; yet for some reason I will never comprehend why You care about me. Every single detail of my life, You are interested in. As my Father in Heaven you are completely invested in every minute I live. You see every tear I cry. You hear my heart when I can’t form the words (which is quite often) to express how I feel. You are always moving things around, for MY good.

Without you, Father, I am nothing. I am dirt. In fact, the more I grow to know you Lord, the more I realize just how filthy I really am. I don’t deserve to know you. I don’t deserve Your love, especially Your forgiveness. My debt to You is incomprehensible. Immeasurable! Therefore, it is my pleasure to serve You oh God. My life, my body, my future, my soul is YOURS. Do with them as You please, even when I don’t understand Your ways. Your love for me is undeniable, thus Your will is unmatchable. What a fool I was to think I could do life on my own. I can’t do anything without You, not even blink. I need You Father. Every second of every day.

I know You are real. I FEEL You. I HEAR You. You make life worth living Lord. Daily I seek Your presence and am constantly amazed how often You speak to me. I long to see Your face. I long to hear Your laugh. My soul thirsts for you in such a way nothing in this world can satisfy. The moment I take my last breath and am joined with You in eternity will be the best moment of my life. My greatest desire, is to be completely and utterly engulfed by You. And praise to Jesus Christ for making it possible!

Thank you Lord. I have everything I need and everything I don’t deserve. Thank you for renewing me inside and out. You’ve completely transformed me. When I think about the woman I was 10 years ago, even 4 years ago, I cringe. You continuously challenge me. Make me step my faith game up. You allow me to be placed in situations where I have no choice but to pray. For some reason, you have placed such a burden on my heart to pray about every and anything I see or hear. All day I bring petitions and names before Your throne. And You answer before I even say ‘Amen’. That will forever amaze me. That little ‘ol me, who is like a grasshopper to You, can not only approach You at any time, but that You hear me AND grant my requests. Thank you. I can’t thank you enough. And I love You. Have I said that today? Well, I do.

Father, I just want You. If that means I’ll be made fun of, ok. I’m used to that (lol).  If that means I will live an abundant life, then hallelujah! Either way, please know You are all I want. You are all I will ever need. And as long as You give me strength, I will give Your name the glory for whatever comes in this life.

My Naked Truth: Still Waiting...

I have to be honest: I want to have sex. I crave it. It’s an ache that won’t go away. Literally, every day I am reminded of my deepest desire being unfulfilled and it sucks.

I was raised by my dad. By default, any guy interested in me was afraid of him and thus afraid to talk to me. He was very present in my life. He knew who my friends were and spent time with them, went to teacher/parent meetings, even knew my principal! There were many rules in our house, but one of the biggest was “no company while he’s away.” A few times I was talked into it, but the moment the boy stepped inside, I became extremely paranoid of being caught. The fear of my dad catching me with a boy was so great, I figured it was best if I just avoided it.

As a young adult on my own, a guy would ask if he could come over and immediately an image of my dad came to mind. Every single time. I think I was 20 or so when I called him to talk about it. He told me “Girl! You grown now. You can do whatever you want!” So, with his “permission” so to speak, I had a guy come over. He kissed me. He touched me. I was uncomfortable. I knew what he wanted but I didn’t know EXACTLY what it was and I was embarrassed to have not had any experience.

See, I still had no idea how my vagina actually functioned. Or even what it looked like. I was attending Illinois State University at the time and one semester while signing up for classes, I saw Sex Ed was available and I immediately signed up. One morning the professor showed a picture of a vagina and all its parts. Now, as someone who’d never seen this, I stared at the projector screen, mouth ajar and eyes about to pop out of their sockets. My mind was completely blown! Why is a male college professor teaching me about my own body? Considering the conversations all of my friends were having, I was way behind and it was time for me to catch up!

One part in particular caught my interest or tickled my fancy if you will; the clitoris. I could see from the textbook at least 90% of the clitoris is beneath the surface. The professor said it had no known function or purpose. This made no sense. If it had no purpose God wouldn’t have put it there. Granted, I wasn’t a theologian and at that point never read the Bible for myself, but of that, I was sure. Turns out, it’s sole purpose is for sexual pleasure. And I had one?!? God must REALLY love me!

So now, I have a pretty good idea of what sex is. But, I want to see it. There were pictures in our textbook, but those alone weren’t sufficient. The answer: PORN. At first, I watched in horror as I mentally processed what was on my computer screen. But I couldn’t stop watching. All I kept thinking was ‘What does it FEEL like?’, and if it feels as good as they make it seem, why the heck have I been waiting this long to participate?!

The first time I masturbated, it was an accident. I was exploring, confirming things I had learned, and things just…..got out of hand. I didn’t know what was happening until it was over. I laid there trying to make sense of what I’d just experienced. I was too afraid to speak of this to anyone, yet so excited by what I’d discovered. I’d opened the door to a whole new world I never knew existed. I wanted more. I needed it. To feel the pleasure build up, until it uncontrollably released. I’d finally gotten a taste of what an orgasm was and upset I’d waited so long. I stayed in bed for days, even called off work. I did not eat nor shower. My bed was all that mattered. Masturbate. Sleep. Repeat.

This new-found experience led me into a very dark place. Nothing in this world mattered more to me than the release of an orgasm. I decided on several occasions I was tired of being the good girl and ready to become a woman. Whatever guy I was seeing at the time won the golden ticket. Guess what? Didn’t work. Something ALWAYS happened to prevent me from finally getting laid. I was rebelling against God. I’d never felt as separated from God as I did during this time. I was tired of living life on my own terms because it’d gotten me nowhere! The masturbation, men, drinking, and even money - everything I chased was not enough. There was a void deeper than any of those things could ever reach.

I cried out to God and asked for forgiveness. I never wanted to be apart from Him again nor put anything/person in His place. Messages from my home church began to resurface and after the tears, I rededicated my life to Christ. I asked that He eliminate everyone and everything from my life contributing to my downfall. Feelings for the guy I knew was completely wrong for me, take it away. The desire for sex, remove it. I mentally prepared to never have a family of my own. Suddenly, old friends no longer wanted to hang out. The guy I just knew I’d marry had left. One minute he loves me, we’re planning our wedding and where we would live. The next, he’s cursing me out and reminding me of every insecurity I have. I ignored the warnings for over a year and was smacked in the face with everything all at once: the lies, rumors, money he stole, and the other woman. The sexual desire? That was still there and seemingly not going away. It was hard just trying to fall asleep without masturbating. I was literally in a battle every single night. My flesh wanted to feel good, but I knew I could not let myself go back to that dark place.

It took years, but eventually it got easier. Today, I am 34, and because of God’s grace, still a virgin. The desires have not changed. It is still a battle I fight everyday. I had a friend enter a restriction code on my devices so I no longer look at porn. TV, music, and conversations that even hint on the subject I try to stay away from. And men? My relationship with the Lord has grown so much, they avoid me like a plague. What has taken almost a decade for me to understand is God covered me back then and today He covers me still.

Now, it’s not only sex I desire, I want it all. I long for intimacy in its truest form as God intended. To be joined with a man spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically; in every way humanly possible. I want to be his safe place away from the world and he mine. I want to become impregnated with his bloodline and give birth to his legacy. I want curses and chains to be broken by our union. I want marriage, with Christ as the head.

God Himself has taken the time to remind me of my desires and that He will fulfil them. I didn’t know it then, but by not removing those desires, God was confirming His will for my life. Years I chased after what I wanted, needing to be in the driver’s seat, but He’s been waiting, ever patiently, for me to give Him the control, allow Him to prepare me to be the wife He’s created me to be, and bring my husband and I together on His time and on His terms. My birth father wouldn’t give any random guy my hand in marriage; so is the same with my Father in heaven.

Only He who formed me in my mother’s womb is able to give me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think. His word says so. God is many things, but a liar He is not. 10 years ago I sought a way out of depression. I sought peace and love. Christ gave me all those things and more. It’s something that can’t be explained, but experienced. Do you know Him? If you have no idea or just not sure, tell Him right now. The Bible says “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved.” Whatever you think or feel, tell Him. If you’re scared and not sure He’s there, tell Him. Start the conversation. It will change your life. It certainly changed mine.

Waiting is preparation; it’s a process. For what exactly? I’m not sure, but I have faith it will be worth it.

Do You Pray Part II

If you haven’t read Do You Pray Part One, stop what you’re doing and take the time to do so.  The prelude to this blog is sure to leave you feeling liberated and empowered. Like you could call out to God and He’d come at the snap of your fingers. Do You Pray Part One may give the impression our Father answers the moment we cry out or ask for anything. But this time around, I’d like to consider this; do you give your child whatever they ask for? Or do you wait until the appropriate time to give them what their heart desires, IF they are responsible enough to handle what they’ve requested? While 2017 proved to be an incredible year for my prayer life, 2018 has been a spiritual uphill battle.

Many things I’ve asked God for, have yet to come to pass. One prayer in particular has been for a promotion at work. Everyone on my team has been there for years and we all do the same work. But for some reason I am the only one who has not moved up from my position. In the past, every few months our leader would take a few names to upper management for consideration. Our leader would argue they deserved to be moved up, given the amount of time spent on the team and knowledge of work. I’ve seen others get promoted before me, even when it came out later one person lied about their qualifications. Talk about being livid! There’s no word to describe the anger I felt hearing this when my own skillset clearly exceeded this person’s. This experience changed something in me.

Now, while walking into work, this rage arose within me. It stayed there all day. I became agitated looking at or hearing the names of certain people. I no longer smiled throughout the day, but instead allowed the promotion denial to determine my attitude. My joy was being predicated on my circumstances. The respect I had for certain management went out the window, and it showed as I’m not one to hide my emotions very well.  It was in my expression and tone of voice. Random people would ask me what was wrong; my face showed constant disgust with my employer.

Then I’d go home and complain to the Lord. I asked to be included in the next round of promotions and would yell “What about me Lord?!? Have you forgotten about me? Why them and not me, I’m one of yours!” As I began to speak up at work, now they’re making changes and re-evaluating the requirements to move up. Really?! Why do I suddenly have to jump through hoops only to receive what is rightfully mines? I’m doing the same exact work as everyone else but getting paid less! This is absurd!

As months go by the Lord slowly starts to reveal the bitterness in my heart. How dare I, a woman of God, not show grace to my superiors whom God has very well placed above me. The audacity to call myself a lover of Christ when I can’t even speak to my coworkers. How can they begin to see God’s love through me if I don’t practice it? Immediately I repented and asked Him to remove all bitterness from my heart. I asked Him to renew my mind against my coworkers and to strengthen me to show grace when it’s not returned.

The moment I made that decision, the atmosphere at work began to change. I no longer cared about the promotion, only pleasing God through my work. Colossians 3:23-24 ‘Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ’. Every day the Lord allowed me to wake up, I made up my mind to be used by Him in any way He saw fit. I smiled and said “Good morning” to others first. I no longer closed people off but began to engage in meaningful conversations.

Suddenly one day I receive an email regarding the new requirements in order to move up at work. Then, in a one-on-one meeting with my boss, I was asked what I thought. I didn’t answer right away, but my boss could tell by my face I was holding back, so she encouraged me to be honest. I stated my case, the EXACT same things I’ve said in the past. This time, she completely agreed with me and even said she’d go to bat for me with her superior. I sat there speechless and began to silently worship God. No one but Him! Romans 8:28 ‘And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.’ Obedience, forgiveness, love, and grace are signs of a heart that truly loves God.

When we pray, God can answer yes, no, or wait. When His answer is yes, it can be obvious and you may know pretty quickly. With a no, you can accept it and move on; or do things your way and eventually end up where He wants you anyway. In the end, He has something better for you. But it’s the waiting that feels like torture, at least for me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually told God that I hate waiting. I could be meeting a friend for dinner at 7, if they’re not there by 7:05 I’m instantly annoyed. God knows this.

Maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, was not only waiting for my heart to change, but also preparing me. Impatience has been a lifelong struggle. He knows where our hearts lie, even when we’re too stubborn to acknowledge what’s there. Going forward, my heart is now conditioned for obedience and to trust God’s timing, especially when things don’t seem to be working in my favor.

God WANTS to bless us. In more ways than you can imagine. He wants to see His children happy and living in abundance, but only while fulfilling His purpose and His will for our lives. But are we ready? Is your heart truly ready to receive the very things you’ve asked the Lord for? There are seasons and timing for everything. When God prepares things for us, it’s to last and for His purpose, not a momentary fix.

I dare you to ask the Lord to reveal anything that needs to die within you. Acknowledge where you may fall short, ask for forgiveness and to be cleansed. Trust that the God of the universe, who spoke the sun into existence, understands what’s best for you.  I’m pretty sure He knows what He’s doing. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’.

Do you Pray?

I said my very first prayer at 12 years old. I had recently come to know Christ and was deathly afraid my dad would go to hell when he died. A bit intense for such a young person, but it’s true. It was all I could think about.  I didn’t know how to pray, so I just talked to God: I asked, by some miracle, that my dad would visit my church and have his own relationship with God. I can’t quite say how long I prayed for, but I’ll never forget the joy I felt seeing my dad walk up for altar prayer.

Many years would go by before I’d pray to God again. To be honest I don’t recall a single prayer during my teens. I attended church sure, sang in the youth choir, told all my friends what God said to do and not to do. But prayer wasn’t really my thing. It just seemed like such a privilege that one needed a secret code to get access to God. Plus, why would I pray? I had everything I needed.  

In 2014, at 29 years old, I lived right outside Chicago, worked downtown and was barely making it financially. The good thing was, by then I had truly renewed my love of Christ. As a single woman, nothing brought me more pleasure than coming home just to come before the feet of Jesus.

One day I came home, flipped on the light switch, and nothing happened. My electricity had been cut off! I knew it was coming, I hadn’t paid the bill in 3 months; I owed about $750, which was equivalent to my rent. It was my own fault. Not that I’m a big spender, I actually hate shopping, I’d simply taken on more than I could handle, while only bringing in $13/hr. Every month I had to decide which bill was most important. Not considering the late fees that would be added on. Adulthood, ugh!

Because I was almost 30 I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t call my dad or anyone else to bail me out. I even kept it from everyone as long as I could. At home I ate peanut butter and jelly most nights. I got used to the cold showers after a while, thankfully it was summertime. But I talked to God repeatedly. What else could I do? I didn’t know how or when, but I knew God would take care of me.

After what seemed the longest 3 months of my life, I was finally able to pay the entire electric bill! YAY! To this day, I have no clue where the money came from. I simply remember it being the exact amount I needed to pay the electric company, in addition to other bills. I knew once I got home and flipped the light switch, it would come on. I stared at the light and just smiled. All the countless prayers, the nights I cried myself to sleep begging the Lord to help me, the shame I felt going to a friends for dinner to avoid another sandwich, the cold showers, the doubt if God would even come through; all were beyond worth it in the end. My surroundings showed no evidence of my breakthrough, but I KNEW it was coming because I FELT it. The God of the bible became so REAL, I couldn’t keep the praise inside if I wanted to! I got on my knees right away as the tears fell, thanking and praising my Creator.

I can recall a conversation I had with one of my best friends. I’d updated her on that time period when my electricity was off. She was in utter shock as she had no idea. She recalled a few times we talked during that period and there was no indication I was going through anything. She even said that if she had endured what I had, she might have killed herself. I assured her while there were days when the weight of life seemed too heavy and the thought had crossed my mind, I chose to believe that God would work things out for me. I’d spent my whole life claiming to be Christian, yet slow to seek the Lord when in trouble (my dad was always my first call). I simply prayed for a miracle and God provided.

It’s that breakthrough which started the fire for my prayer life. Some things I’ve prayed for and God answered right away. Other things have taken time to get answered. I can in no way explain why He does things the way He does, but I can tell you that prayer will change your life. Prayer in fact works!

I’ve had the privilege of being asked to pray for several friends of mine. This is when I began to see the power of God really move. The supernatural intertwines with the physical world and reveals how amazing God is! Here are a few of those prayers and the outcomes:

I had run into this guy, Ray*, a few times. We had mutual friends so we’d have casual conversations here and there. We even exchanged numbers, but still keeping the conversation casual and friendly. One afternoon Ray texted and asked if I would accompany him to the movies. I immediately responded sure. I then asked for the movie info so I could meet him. Here was an attractive, Christian, man asking me out. My heart jumped with excitement as I thought of what could become of us. Then I felt God trying to get my attention. I got to my knees and prayed. I was honest with God and told him I liked Ray, but I wanted His will for my life. If Ray was not the man He has for me as my husband, there’s no point in even going to the movies with him. I asked God specifically to somehow block Ray from ever texting me the movie info, if he wasn’t my husband. Guess what? I never received a response. I couldn’t help but wonder though, what was his excuse for never responding. I saw him some time later and asked him what happened. He said he just decided to go alone. No big deal right? The real question is, would he have decided that had I not prayed? Doesn’t matter. God answered, he’s not my husband. See how God works when you pray? I’ve learned it’s important to be specific too!

Kathy, a female colleague, had an issue with me. I thought I was imagining it until another colleague brought it up. I then began to pray and ask God to soften her heart. That whatever bitterness she held on to would slowly dissipate from her. Pretty soon when I’d say ‘good morning’ or address her directly, she’d smile and respond, instead of avoiding eye contact and acting as if I didn’t exist. Now, she smiles automatically when we pass one another. Sometimes she’ll even speak first!

For years I’ve been praying for Michelle’s salvation. That she would no longer seek fulfilment from the people and things of this world, but truly accept Christ in her heart. While that has yet to happen, I can say that she no longer practices Buddhism and has even asked me to pray with her. I’ve added to that prayer that she would come to my church. That hasn’t happened either, however just recently she texted me and said her daughter asked her why they don’t go to church, completely out the blue. My continuous prayer has allowed God to plant seeds over the years in her heart. He know what He’s doing. We just have to trust Him.

Mike has been a family friend for some time. It’d been years since he’s come around. However, one day I was before the Lord in prayer, when his name suddenly appeared in my head. The more I continued to pray, the harder it was to ignore his name. Last I heard of him, he’d gotten married some years prior. I began to pray for him, his wife, his parents, and siblings. I even prayed for his children, not knowing if he had any at the time or not. I had no clue what had happened, but since the Lord placed him on my heart I knew it was bad. About a month later while at a cousin’s house, I was informed of something very unfortunate he was currently going through. My family and I continued to pray for Mike, all checking in when we could. As the months went by, my prayers began to change. God delivered him from the situation. However, healing and recovery were necessary. One Friday he crossed my mind, so I reached out. He told me he was good, but I knew he was lying. I felt it. I began to pray for the Lord to heal and remove all brokenness and that his desire for the Lord would increase, that he’d be surrounded by real men of God that could pour into him, and one day that he’d cry out to God for help in surrender. The following Sunday, just 2 days later, he reaches out to me. He first admits he wasn’t forthcoming before by telling me he was good. He also told me that he went to church that morning and cried out to God for help at the altar. I jumped up when I read that message. I had asked God for something, again being specific and He answered. God is nothing short of good!

My friend Nicky asked me to pray for her dad. He was in an accident and at the hospital. He could not breathe on his own and was barely aware of his surroundings. He was expected to pass away within hours. I prayed almost daily that the Lord wouldn’t allow his body to give up until the Lord had done whatever He needed to do with him in that current state. I also prayed for Nicky’s peace. She was able to get 4 more months with her dad. By the time he did pass away, she told me she had made peace with his death and in a way had mourned her loss.

Paula and Aaron Davis asked me to pray for a house they were trying to move into. The renter was asking for $1,600, but that amount was too high. They were also competing with other buyers. I asked God for a miracle. That He would show out in such a way no one would doubt He provided them with this house. I asked that they would be granted the house, even if another couple offered the asking price. I also asked that the renter would lower the price to $1,500, then changed it to $1,450. God can do anything! The morning after my prayer I get a call from Aaron. When I answered he practically yelled at me, “Did you pray for us?!?!” He explained the renter left a voicemail on Paula’s phone; they were offered the house, even though there was a couple willing to pay the asking price. The rent would be lowered to $1,500. Paula then called back with the intent to negotiate the price slightly down. Before she could say anything, the renter repeated her message; they got the house, but instead of $1,500, they’d pay $1,450! Without Paula uttering a word. Now, on the phone with Aaron, I screamed! I told him that was the EXACT amount I asked during my prayer!

You might read these occurrences and chalk them up to coincidences or pure happenstance, but the same God that split the Red Sea, is the same God I prayed to. The same God that shut the lion’s mouth to not harm Daniel is the same God that allows you to read these words. The same God that raised Lazarus from the dead is the same God that longs to hear you talk to Him.

I’ve always wondered to myself why God performed such miracles during Biblical days and not now, but He does.  God performs miracles through us. Because of Christ, we have the power of the Holy Spirit within us. When we pray with sincerity and truly pour our hearts to the Father He hears us. When enough of us pray the same prayer, the Holy Spirit is that more powerful to work. We have the privilege of being able to go before the Holy Throne anytime, anyplace, for anything. I urge you to take advantage. This isn’t a means to get anything you ask, like sitting on Santa’s lap for Christmas presents. I mean just talk to Him. Let the words of your heart speak.   

*Names have been changed to protect those mentioned.

Love Like Christ

“Every transgression that I have made, you have answered with a hypocritical judgement. No one can live up to your self-righteous standards. Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up every morning, knowing that you’re going to fail in the eyes of the only person you’ve ever loved?”

I love good quotes. That one comes from Smallville. It was a TV series that aired for 10 seasons, depicting the early life of Superman. I’ve recently become a fan. I find myself notating a quote from nearly every episode. While most of the writing on the show seems to have a biblical reference, at least in my opinion, that quote stuck out to me. I thought about it for days, long after watching the episode.

LOVE. Something everyone wants to obtain, but all may not truly understand. The character in the show, Lana, was making it apparent that the person she spoke those words to, Clark, did not love her. They’d been keeping secrets from one another. And if a mistake was made, the other person forgave with their words, but not with their actions. How many of us do the same? With our friends? Spouses? Children? We are so quick to recite 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (Love is patient, love is kind…) to describe love, but it seems those verses have become more of a cliché than actually reality.

What struck me, is that I’ve been guilty of the exact thing Lana accused Clark of! There’ve been instances in my life when someone would hurt me, even if in a miniscule way, and I’d be quick to cut them off from my life completely. I’d used their transgression to turn my heart into a block of ice where it becomes nearly impossible to penetrate. I pushed almost everyone around me away, only to be left alone. The hurt, pain, and shame that I felt, began to turn into fear. The truth was that I feared love, but still desired it.

I was desperate to love and for someone to love me, but still couldn’t grasp its true meaning. Love is constant forgiveness. Love is vulnerability. Love is waking up every morning with the intent to push one’s own desires and wants to the side, for someone else. The bible calls it ‘dying to self’. The moment I heard those words uttered on Smallville, I had to fight tears from falling down my face. It reminded me of what love IS, by stating what love is NOT.

Sure, love is certainly attainable with another person. I won’t deny that. I can’t deny that. I see it all around me. I’m surrounded by marriages so full of love, they make The Notebook look like What’s Love Got to Do With It.  Not only within marriage, but within families and friendships as well. There is a longing to go above the love a person may have for themselves, to ensure the happiness of another. There is sacrifice. There’s even a chance the love may not be reciprocated. But to love, one has to take that chance.

How is something like this even possible? How can a person truly come to love another? The answer put quite simply - Christ. Christ is love. Many times throughout my life I’d hear someone say how a person can’t love if they do not know God, because God is love. Or a man can’t love me until he loves God first. I believed it. But it wasn’t until recently, thanks to Smallville again, that the light bulb turned on inside my head. It all became so clear.

When Christ came to earth, He left His seat on the throne in Heaven to become as His creation. He became dirt. The bible says “God gathered dust in His hands and breathed the breath of life to form man”. He did this for one purpose: to die. Crazy right? Makes no sense. Why, do you ask? I thought you’d get it by now. LOVE! Because He loves mankind. He gave His life, His blood literally poured out, as a sacrifice on our behalf. Even after His resurrection, where He showed Himself to hundreds of witnesses, He’d be rejected. But still, to this day, He shows grace to His people.

When I think about my life and the decisions I’ve made, it makes me cringe with shame knowing the Lord loves me the way He does. The fact that God became flesh, did not take away from His Godliness, so He knows the depths of our hearts. The things we are too ashamed to say aloud. The things we are too afraid to admit to ourselves. He knows the depths of our existence, our every thought. Yet He loves us, forgives and accepts us, just as the filthy beings we are.

Now that I can somewhat grasp that concept, I have a better understanding of what love is. Christ was the ultimate example of love. To love means to be like Him. Once a person knows Christ and has accepted Him within their heart, only then can they be capable of reciprocating love. To show grace when a loved one doesn’t do as expected. To forgive and wipe the slate clean as if the transgression never happened. To accept a person, fully and wholeheartedly, regardless of their past. Even to sacrifice a life, if necessary, for the sake of someone else. That’s love.

Jesus is the Reason

A few weeks ago, while before the Lord in prayer, He spoke to me. It had been a while since I’ve heard Him speak; I simply picked and chose when I’d listen. My spiritual battle has been somewhat up & down lately, by my own fault. I confessed to the Lord I wanted to be closer to Him; for it to be like it was just over a month ago. When I’d come home and couldn’t wait to approach His throne of mercy in prayer, and then get right into His Holy word. Truth is, we all experience this. One minute we proclaim ‘Praise Ye the Lord’ or ‘Thank You Jesus’ and the next we’re questioning His power or doubting our own salvation.  

It was during that very prayer that the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to fast. So I did. The very thing(s) that had been distracting me from my First Love, I removed from my life for one week. I just so happen to have been covering Philippians, when I came across the following:

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. (3:13-15, ESV)

Upon reading this, I sat at my kitchen table and stared at the wall. Time stood still while I played those words over and over in my head. I second guess my redemption because I know what I’ve done and what I CONTINUE to do; my mind constantly reminds me of the past - the ugly and the uglier! The old me was bitter, full of anger, lashing out at any and every one, heart overcome with hatred for this world because it just wouldn’t do right by me, and a distaste for men because they’d all caused me pain and heartache.

That passage hit me like a ton of bricks.  All the time I’ve been praying and telling the Lord I’d like to be closer to Him, when He hasn’t gone anywhere! It’s us; it’s ME that strays away or gets easily distracted. Daily He speaks to me and wants me to want Him, but I dismiss Him like He’s nothing, when He’s the very reason I breathe. I have gotten in my own way, telling myself how worthless I am and that I’m too filthy to be forgiven or too unworthy to be loved by Him. I may be unworthy of God’s love, in fact we all are, but I am no longer worthless. Jesus says so!

To be able to pray and read God’s word, experience praise & worship, have direct access to the Self Existent One, He who spoke this world into existence and breathed life into dirt is a GREAT PRIVILEGE I am beyond undeserving to partake in. Our primary thought in everything we do as believers should always be Jesus. He is the reason why I mustn’t dwell on the old me. He is the reason my salvation is concrete. He is the reason I can approach and surrender my entire being, filth and all, to a holy and perfect God.

What is it in your past that holds you back from fully committing to the Lord? Paul makes it clear the ‘mature’ forget what’s behind them and press toward their future in Jesus Christ. This means never losing sight of who you belong to and what He promised you. Your past, present, and future has already been paid for!