My Naked Truth: Still Waiting...

I have to be honest: I want to have sex. I crave it. It’s an ache that won’t go away. Literally, every day I am reminded of my deepest desire being unfulfilled and it sucks.

I was raised by my dad. By default, any guy interested in me was afraid of him and thus afraid to talk to me. He was very present in my life. He knew who my friends were and spent time with them, went to teacher/parent meetings, even knew my principal! There were many rules in our house, but one of the biggest was “no company while he’s away.” A few times I was talked into it, but the moment the boy stepped inside, I became extremely paranoid of being caught. The fear of my dad catching me with a boy was so great, I figured it was best if I just avoided it.

As a young adult on my own, a guy would ask if he could come over and immediately an image of my dad came to mind. Every single time. I think I was 20 or so when I called him to talk about it. He told me “Girl! You grown now. You can do whatever you want!” So, with his “permission” so to speak, I had a guy come over. He kissed me. He touched me. I was uncomfortable. I knew what he wanted but I didn’t know EXACTLY what it was and I was embarrassed to have not had any experience.

See, I still had no idea how my vagina actually functioned. Or even what it looked like. I was attending Illinois State University at the time and one semester while signing up for classes, I saw Sex Ed was available and I immediately signed up. One morning the professor showed a picture of a vagina and all its parts. Now, as someone who’d never seen this, I stared at the projector screen, mouth ajar and eyes about to pop out of their sockets. My mind was completely blown! Why is a male college professor teaching me about my own body? Considering the conversations all of my friends were having, I was way behind and it was time for me to catch up!

One part in particular caught my interest or tickled my fancy if you will; the clitoris. I could see from the textbook at least 90% of the clitoris is beneath the surface. The professor said it had no known function or purpose. This made no sense. If it had no purpose God wouldn’t have put it there. Granted, I wasn’t a theologian and at that point never read the Bible for myself, but of that, I was sure. Turns out, it’s sole purpose is for sexual pleasure. And I had one?!? God must REALLY love me!

So now, I have a pretty good idea of what sex is. But, I want to see it. There were pictures in our textbook, but those alone weren’t sufficient. The answer: PORN. At first, I watched in horror as I mentally processed what was on my computer screen. But I couldn’t stop watching. All I kept thinking was ‘What does it FEEL like?’, and if it feels as good as they make it seem, why the heck have I been waiting this long to participate?!

The first time I masturbated, it was an accident. I was exploring, confirming things I had learned, and things just…..got out of hand. I didn’t know what was happening until it was over. I laid there trying to make sense of what I’d just experienced. I was too afraid to speak of this to anyone, yet so excited by what I’d discovered. I’d opened the door to a whole new world I never knew existed. I wanted more. I needed it. To feel the pleasure build up, until it uncontrollably released. I’d finally gotten a taste of what an orgasm was and upset I’d waited so long. I stayed in bed for days, even called off work. I did not eat nor shower. My bed was all that mattered. Masturbate. Sleep. Repeat.

This new-found experience led me into a very dark place. Nothing in this world mattered more to me than the release of an orgasm. I decided on several occasions I was tired of being the good girl and ready to become a woman. Whatever guy I was seeing at the time won the golden ticket. Guess what? Didn’t work. Something ALWAYS happened to prevent me from finally getting laid. I was rebelling against God. I’d never felt as separated from God as I did during this time. I was tired of living life on my own terms because it’d gotten me nowhere! The masturbation, men, drinking, and even money - everything I chased was not enough. There was a void deeper than any of those things could ever reach.

I cried out to God and asked for forgiveness. I never wanted to be apart from Him again nor put anything/person in His place. Messages from my home church began to resurface and after the tears, I rededicated my life to Christ. I asked that He eliminate everyone and everything from my life contributing to my downfall. Feelings for the guy I knew was completely wrong for me, take it away. The desire for sex, remove it. I mentally prepared to never have a family of my own. Suddenly, old friends no longer wanted to hang out. The guy I just knew I’d marry had left. One minute he loves me, we’re planning our wedding and where we would live. The next, he’s cursing me out and reminding me of every insecurity I have. I ignored the warnings for over a year and was smacked in the face with everything all at once: the lies, rumors, money he stole, and the other woman. The sexual desire? That was still there and seemingly not going away. It was hard just trying to fall asleep without masturbating. I was literally in a battle every single night. My flesh wanted to feel good, but I knew I could not let myself go back to that dark place.

It took years, but eventually it got easier. Today, I am 34, and because of God’s grace, still a virgin. The desires have not changed. It is still a battle I fight everyday. I had a friend enter a restriction code on my devices so I no longer look at porn. TV, music, and conversations that even hint on the subject I try to stay away from. And men? My relationship with the Lord has grown so much, they avoid me like a plague. What has taken almost a decade for me to understand is God covered me back then and today He covers me still.

Now, it’s not only sex I desire, I want it all. I long for intimacy in its truest form as God intended. To be joined with a man spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically; in every way humanly possible. I want to be his safe place away from the world and he mine. I want to become impregnated with his bloodline and give birth to his legacy. I want curses and chains to be broken by our union. I want marriage, with Christ as the head.

God Himself has taken the time to remind me of my desires and that He will fulfil them. I didn’t know it then, but by not removing those desires, God was confirming His will for my life. Years I chased after what I wanted, needing to be in the driver’s seat, but He’s been waiting, ever patiently, for me to give Him the control, allow Him to prepare me to be the wife He’s created me to be, and bring my husband and I together on His time and on His terms. My birth father wouldn’t give any random guy my hand in marriage; so is the same with my Father in heaven.

Only He who formed me in my mother’s womb is able to give me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think. His word says so. God is many things, but a liar He is not. 10 years ago I sought a way out of depression. I sought peace and love. Christ gave me all those things and more. It’s something that can’t be explained, but experienced. Do you know Him? If you have no idea or just not sure, tell Him right now. The Bible says “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved.” Whatever you think or feel, tell Him. If you’re scared and not sure He’s there, tell Him. Start the conversation. It will change your life. It certainly changed mine.

Waiting is preparation; it’s a process. For what exactly? I’m not sure, but I have faith it will be worth it.

Do You Pray Part II

If you haven’t read Do You Pray Part One, stop what you’re doing and take the time to do so.  The prelude to this blog is sure to leave you feeling liberated and empowered. Like you could call out to God and He’d come at the snap of your fingers. Do You Pray Part One may give the impression our Father answers the moment we cry out or ask for anything. But this time around, I’d like to consider this; do you give your child whatever they ask for? Or do you wait until the appropriate time to give them what their heart desires, IF they are responsible enough to handle what they’ve requested? While 2017 proved to be an incredible year for my prayer life, 2018 has been a spiritual uphill battle.

Many things I’ve asked God for, have yet to come to pass. One prayer in particular has been for a promotion at work. Everyone on my team has been there for years and we all do the same work. But for some reason I am the only one who has not moved up from my position. In the past, every few months our leader would take a few names to upper management for consideration. Our leader would argue they deserved to be moved up, given the amount of time spent on the team and knowledge of work. I’ve seen others get promoted before me, even when it came out later one person lied about their qualifications. Talk about being livid! There’s no word to describe the anger I felt hearing this when my own skillset clearly exceeded this person’s. This experience changed something in me.

Now, while walking into work, this rage arose within me. It stayed there all day. I became agitated looking at or hearing the names of certain people. I no longer smiled throughout the day, but instead allowed the promotion denial to determine my attitude. My joy was being predicated on my circumstances. The respect I had for certain management went out the window, and it showed as I’m not one to hide my emotions very well.  It was in my expression and tone of voice. Random people would ask me what was wrong; my face showed constant disgust with my employer.

Then I’d go home and complain to the Lord. I asked to be included in the next round of promotions and would yell “What about me Lord?!? Have you forgotten about me? Why them and not me, I’m one of yours!” As I began to speak up at work, now they’re making changes and re-evaluating the requirements to move up. Really?! Why do I suddenly have to jump through hoops only to receive what is rightfully mines? I’m doing the same exact work as everyone else but getting paid less! This is absurd!

As months go by the Lord slowly starts to reveal the bitterness in my heart. How dare I, a woman of God, not show grace to my superiors whom God has very well placed above me. The audacity to call myself a lover of Christ when I can’t even speak to my coworkers. How can they begin to see God’s love through me if I don’t practice it? Immediately I repented and asked Him to remove all bitterness from my heart. I asked Him to renew my mind against my coworkers and to strengthen me to show grace when it’s not returned.

The moment I made that decision, the atmosphere at work began to change. I no longer cared about the promotion, only pleasing God through my work. Colossians 3:23-24 ‘Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ’. Every day the Lord allowed me to wake up, I made up my mind to be used by Him in any way He saw fit. I smiled and said “Good morning” to others first. I no longer closed people off but began to engage in meaningful conversations.

Suddenly one day I receive an email regarding the new requirements in order to move up at work. Then, in a one-on-one meeting with my boss, I was asked what I thought. I didn’t answer right away, but my boss could tell by my face I was holding back, so she encouraged me to be honest. I stated my case, the EXACT same things I’ve said in the past. This time, she completely agreed with me and even said she’d go to bat for me with her superior. I sat there speechless and began to silently worship God. No one but Him! Romans 8:28 ‘And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.’ Obedience, forgiveness, love, and grace are signs of a heart that truly loves God.

When we pray, God can answer yes, no, or wait. When His answer is yes, it can be obvious and you may know pretty quickly. With a no, you can accept it and move on; or do things your way and eventually end up where He wants you anyway. In the end, He has something better for you. But it’s the waiting that feels like torture, at least for me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually told God that I hate waiting. I could be meeting a friend for dinner at 7, if they’re not there by 7:05 I’m instantly annoyed. God knows this.

Maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, was not only waiting for my heart to change, but also preparing me. Impatience has been a lifelong struggle. He knows where our hearts lie, even when we’re too stubborn to acknowledge what’s there. Going forward, my heart is now conditioned for obedience and to trust God’s timing, especially when things don’t seem to be working in my favor.

God WANTS to bless us. In more ways than you can imagine. He wants to see His children happy and living in abundance, but only while fulfilling His purpose and His will for our lives. But are we ready? Is your heart truly ready to receive the very things you’ve asked the Lord for? There are seasons and timing for everything. When God prepares things for us, it’s to last and for His purpose, not a momentary fix.

I dare you to ask the Lord to reveal anything that needs to die within you. Acknowledge where you may fall short, ask for forgiveness and to be cleansed. Trust that the God of the universe, who spoke the sun into existence, understands what’s best for you.  I’m pretty sure He knows what He’s doing. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’.

Do you Pray?

I said my very first prayer at 12 years old. I had recently come to know Christ and was deathly afraid my dad would go to hell when he died. A bit intense for such a young person, but it’s true. It was all I could think about.  I didn’t know how to pray, so I just talked to God: I asked, by some miracle, that my dad would visit my church and have his own relationship with God. I can’t quite say how long I prayed for, but I’ll never forget the joy I felt seeing my dad walk up for altar prayer.

Many years would go by before I’d pray to God again. To be honest I don’t recall a single prayer during my teens. I attended church sure, sang in the youth choir, told all my friends what God said to do and not to do. But prayer wasn’t really my thing. It just seemed like such a privilege that one needed a secret code to get access to God. Plus, why would I pray? I had everything I needed.  

In 2014, at 29 years old, I lived right outside Chicago, worked downtown and was barely making it financially. The good thing was, by then I had truly renewed my love of Christ. As a single woman, nothing brought me more pleasure than coming home just to come before the feet of Jesus.

One day I came home, flipped on the light switch, and nothing happened. My electricity had been cut off! I knew it was coming, I hadn’t paid the bill in 3 months; I owed about $750, which was equivalent to my rent. It was my own fault. Not that I’m a big spender, I actually hate shopping, I’d simply taken on more than I could handle, while only bringing in $13/hr. Every month I had to decide which bill was most important. Not considering the late fees that would be added on. Adulthood, ugh!

Because I was almost 30 I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t call my dad or anyone else to bail me out. I even kept it from everyone as long as I could. At home I ate peanut butter and jelly most nights. I got used to the cold showers after a while, thankfully it was summertime. But I talked to God repeatedly. What else could I do? I didn’t know how or when, but I knew God would take care of me.

After what seemed the longest 3 months of my life, I was finally able to pay the entire electric bill! YAY! To this day, I have no clue where the money came from. I simply remember it being the exact amount I needed to pay the electric company, in addition to other bills. I knew once I got home and flipped the light switch, it would come on. I stared at the light and just smiled. All the countless prayers, the nights I cried myself to sleep begging the Lord to help me, the shame I felt going to a friends for dinner to avoid another sandwich, the cold showers, the doubt if God would even come through; all were beyond worth it in the end. My surroundings showed no evidence of my breakthrough, but I KNEW it was coming because I FELT it. The God of the bible became so REAL, I couldn’t keep the praise inside if I wanted to! I got on my knees right away as the tears fell, thanking and praising my Creator.

I can recall a conversation I had with one of my best friends. I’d updated her on that time period when my electricity was off. She was in utter shock as she had no idea. She recalled a few times we talked during that period and there was no indication I was going through anything. She even said that if she had endured what I had, she might have killed herself. I assured her while there were days when the weight of life seemed too heavy and the thought had crossed my mind, I chose to believe that God would work things out for me. I’d spent my whole life claiming to be Christian, yet slow to seek the Lord when in trouble (my dad was always my first call). I simply prayed for a miracle and God provided.

It’s that breakthrough which started the fire for my prayer life. Some things I’ve prayed for and God answered right away. Other things have taken time to get answered. I can in no way explain why He does things the way He does, but I can tell you that prayer will change your life. Prayer in fact works!

I’ve had the privilege of being asked to pray for several friends of mine. This is when I began to see the power of God really move. The supernatural intertwines with the physical world and reveals how amazing God is! Here are a few of those prayers and the outcomes:

I had run into this guy, Ray*, a few times. We had mutual friends so we’d have casual conversations here and there. We even exchanged numbers, but still keeping the conversation casual and friendly. One afternoon Ray texted and asked if I would accompany him to the movies. I immediately responded sure. I then asked for the movie info so I could meet him. Here was an attractive, Christian, man asking me out. My heart jumped with excitement as I thought of what could become of us. Then I felt God trying to get my attention. I got to my knees and prayed. I was honest with God and told him I liked Ray, but I wanted His will for my life. If Ray was not the man He has for me as my husband, there’s no point in even going to the movies with him. I asked God specifically to somehow block Ray from ever texting me the movie info, if he wasn’t my husband. Guess what? I never received a response. I couldn’t help but wonder though, what was his excuse for never responding. I saw him some time later and asked him what happened. He said he just decided to go alone. No big deal right? The real question is, would he have decided that had I not prayed? Doesn’t matter. God answered, he’s not my husband. See how God works when you pray? I’ve learned it’s important to be specific too!

Kathy, a female colleague, had an issue with me. I thought I was imagining it until another colleague brought it up. I then began to pray and ask God to soften her heart. That whatever bitterness she held on to would slowly dissipate from her. Pretty soon when I’d say ‘good morning’ or address her directly, she’d smile and respond, instead of avoiding eye contact and acting as if I didn’t exist. Now, she smiles automatically when we pass one another. Sometimes she’ll even speak first!

For years I’ve been praying for Michelle’s salvation. That she would no longer seek fulfilment from the people and things of this world, but truly accept Christ in her heart. While that has yet to happen, I can say that she no longer practices Buddhism and has even asked me to pray with her. I’ve added to that prayer that she would come to my church. That hasn’t happened either, however just recently she texted me and said her daughter asked her why they don’t go to church, completely out the blue. My continuous prayer has allowed God to plant seeds over the years in her heart. He know what He’s doing. We just have to trust Him.

Mike has been a family friend for some time. It’d been years since he’s come around. However, one day I was before the Lord in prayer, when his name suddenly appeared in my head. The more I continued to pray, the harder it was to ignore his name. Last I heard of him, he’d gotten married some years prior. I began to pray for him, his wife, his parents, and siblings. I even prayed for his children, not knowing if he had any at the time or not. I had no clue what had happened, but since the Lord placed him on my heart I knew it was bad. About a month later while at a cousin’s house, I was informed of something very unfortunate he was currently going through. My family and I continued to pray for Mike, all checking in when we could. As the months went by, my prayers began to change. God delivered him from the situation. However, healing and recovery were necessary. One Friday he crossed my mind, so I reached out. He told me he was good, but I knew he was lying. I felt it. I began to pray for the Lord to heal and remove all brokenness and that his desire for the Lord would increase, that he’d be surrounded by real men of God that could pour into him, and one day that he’d cry out to God for help in surrender. The following Sunday, just 2 days later, he reaches out to me. He first admits he wasn’t forthcoming before by telling me he was good. He also told me that he went to church that morning and cried out to God for help at the altar. I jumped up when I read that message. I had asked God for something, again being specific and He answered. God is nothing short of good!

My friend Nicky asked me to pray for her dad. He was in an accident and at the hospital. He could not breathe on his own and was barely aware of his surroundings. He was expected to pass away within hours. I prayed almost daily that the Lord wouldn’t allow his body to give up until the Lord had done whatever He needed to do with him in that current state. I also prayed for Nicky’s peace. She was able to get 4 more months with her dad. By the time he did pass away, she told me she had made peace with his death and in a way had mourned her loss.

Paula and Aaron Davis asked me to pray for a house they were trying to move into. The renter was asking for $1,600, but that amount was too high. They were also competing with other buyers. I asked God for a miracle. That He would show out in such a way no one would doubt He provided them with this house. I asked that they would be granted the house, even if another couple offered the asking price. I also asked that the renter would lower the price to $1,500, then changed it to $1,450. God can do anything! The morning after my prayer I get a call from Aaron. When I answered he practically yelled at me, “Did you pray for us?!?!” He explained the renter left a voicemail on Paula’s phone; they were offered the house, even though there was a couple willing to pay the asking price. The rent would be lowered to $1,500. Paula then called back with the intent to negotiate the price slightly down. Before she could say anything, the renter repeated her message; they got the house, but instead of $1,500, they’d pay $1,450! Without Paula uttering a word. Now, on the phone with Aaron, I screamed! I told him that was the EXACT amount I asked during my prayer!

You might read these occurrences and chalk them up to coincidences or pure happenstance, but the same God that split the Red Sea, is the same God I prayed to. The same God that shut the lion’s mouth to not harm Daniel is the same God that allows you to read these words. The same God that raised Lazarus from the dead is the same God that longs to hear you talk to Him.

I’ve always wondered to myself why God performed such miracles during Biblical days and not now, but He does.  God performs miracles through us. Because of Christ, we have the power of the Holy Spirit within us. When we pray with sincerity and truly pour our hearts to the Father He hears us. When enough of us pray the same prayer, the Holy Spirit is that more powerful to work. We have the privilege of being able to go before the Holy Throne anytime, anyplace, for anything. I urge you to take advantage. This isn’t a means to get anything you ask, like sitting on Santa’s lap for Christmas presents. I mean just talk to Him. Let the words of your heart speak.   

*Names have been changed to protect those mentioned.

Love Like Christ

“Every transgression that I have made, you have answered with a hypocritical judgement. No one can live up to your self-righteous standards. Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up every morning, knowing that you’re going to fail in the eyes of the only person you’ve ever loved?”

I love good quotes. That one comes from Smallville. It was a TV series that aired for 10 seasons, depicting the early life of Superman. I’ve recently become a fan. I find myself notating a quote from nearly every episode. While most of the writing on the show seems to have a biblical reference, at least in my opinion, that quote stuck out to me. I thought about it for days, long after watching the episode.

LOVE. Something everyone wants to obtain, but all may not truly understand. The character in the show, Lana, was making it apparent that the person she spoke those words to, Clark, did not love her. They’d been keeping secrets from one another. And if a mistake was made, the other person forgave with their words, but not with their actions. How many of us do the same? With our friends? Spouses? Children? We are so quick to recite 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (Love is patient, love is kind…) to describe love, but it seems those verses have become more of a cliché than actually reality.

What struck me, is that I’ve been guilty of the exact thing Lana accused Clark of! There’ve been instances in my life when someone would hurt me, even if in a miniscule way, and I’d be quick to cut them off from my life completely. I’d used their transgression to turn my heart into a block of ice where it becomes nearly impossible to penetrate. I pushed almost everyone around me away, only to be left alone. The hurt, pain, and shame that I felt, began to turn into fear. The truth was that I feared love, but still desired it.

I was desperate to love and for someone to love me, but still couldn’t grasp its true meaning. Love is constant forgiveness. Love is vulnerability. Love is waking up every morning with the intent to push one’s own desires and wants to the side, for someone else. The bible calls it ‘dying to self’. The moment I heard those words uttered on Smallville, I had to fight tears from falling down my face. It reminded me of what love IS, by stating what love is NOT.

Sure, love is certainly attainable with another person. I won’t deny that. I can’t deny that. I see it all around me. I’m surrounded by marriages so full of love, they make The Notebook look like What’s Love Got to Do With It.  Not only within marriage, but within families and friendships as well. There is a longing to go above the love a person may have for themselves, to ensure the happiness of another. There is sacrifice. There’s even a chance the love may not be reciprocated. But to love, one has to take that chance.

How is something like this even possible? How can a person truly come to love another? The answer put quite simply - Christ. Christ is love. Many times throughout my life I’d hear someone say how a person can’t love if they do not know God, because God is love. Or a man can’t love me until he loves God first. I believed it. But it wasn’t until recently, thanks to Smallville again, that the light bulb turned on inside my head. It all became so clear.

When Christ came to earth, He left His seat on the throne in Heaven to become as His creation. He became dirt. The bible says “God gathered dust in His hands and breathed the breath of life to form man”. He did this for one purpose: to die. Crazy right? Makes no sense. Why, do you ask? I thought you’d get it by now. LOVE! Because He loves mankind. He gave His life, His blood literally poured out, as a sacrifice on our behalf. Even after His resurrection, where He showed Himself to hundreds of witnesses, He’d be rejected. But still, to this day, He shows grace to His people.

When I think about my life and the decisions I’ve made, it makes me cringe with shame knowing the Lord loves me the way He does. The fact that God became flesh, did not take away from His Godliness, so He knows the depths of our hearts. The things we are too ashamed to say aloud. The things we are too afraid to admit to ourselves. He knows the depths of our existence, our every thought. Yet He loves us, forgives and accepts us, just as the filthy beings we are.

Now that I can somewhat grasp that concept, I have a better understanding of what love is. Christ was the ultimate example of love. To love means to be like Him. Once a person knows Christ and has accepted Him within their heart, only then can they be capable of reciprocating love. To show grace when a loved one doesn’t do as expected. To forgive and wipe the slate clean as if the transgression never happened. To accept a person, fully and wholeheartedly, regardless of their past. Even to sacrifice a life, if necessary, for the sake of someone else. That’s love.

Jesus is the Reason

A few weeks ago, while before the Lord in prayer, He spoke to me. It had been a while since I’ve heard Him speak; I simply picked and chose when I’d listen. My spiritual battle has been somewhat up & down lately, by my own fault. I confessed to the Lord I wanted to be closer to Him; for it to be like it was just over a month ago. When I’d come home and couldn’t wait to approach His throne of mercy in prayer, and then get right into His Holy word. Truth is, we all experience this. One minute we proclaim ‘Praise Ye the Lord’ or ‘Thank You Jesus’ and the next we’re questioning His power or doubting our own salvation.  

It was during that very prayer that the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to fast. So I did. The very thing(s) that had been distracting me from my First Love, I removed from my life for one week. I just so happen to have been covering Philippians, when I came across the following:

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. (3:13-15, ESV)

Upon reading this, I sat at my kitchen table and stared at the wall. Time stood still while I played those words over and over in my head. I second guess my redemption because I know what I’ve done and what I CONTINUE to do; my mind constantly reminds me of the past - the ugly and the uglier! The old me was bitter, full of anger, lashing out at any and every one, heart overcome with hatred for this world because it just wouldn’t do right by me, and a distaste for men because they’d all caused me pain and heartache.

That passage hit me like a ton of bricks.  All the time I’ve been praying and telling the Lord I’d like to be closer to Him, when He hasn’t gone anywhere! It’s us; it’s ME that strays away or gets easily distracted. Daily He speaks to me and wants me to want Him, but I dismiss Him like He’s nothing, when He’s the very reason I breathe. I have gotten in my own way, telling myself how worthless I am and that I’m too filthy to be forgiven or too unworthy to be loved by Him. I may be unworthy of God’s love, in fact we all are, but I am no longer worthless. Jesus says so!

To be able to pray and read God’s word, experience praise & worship, have direct access to the Self Existent One, He who spoke this world into existence and breathed life into dirt is a GREAT PRIVILEGE I am beyond undeserving to partake in. Our primary thought in everything we do as believers should always be Jesus. He is the reason why I mustn’t dwell on the old me. He is the reason my salvation is concrete. He is the reason I can approach and surrender my entire being, filth and all, to a holy and perfect God.

What is it in your past that holds you back from fully committing to the Lord? Paul makes it clear the ‘mature’ forget what’s behind them and press toward their future in Jesus Christ. This means never losing sight of who you belong to and what He promised you. Your past, present, and future has already been paid for!

Why me, Lord?

I left home when I was 18 and got my first apartment 2 years later. I will be 30 (yes 30!) in December, so needless to say there have been some trying times since then. This year, however, has proven to be the most difficult while being on my own. It marks two years with my current employer and one year since signing my lease. The first 6 months in my new place were a breeze. Tithes and bills were paid, with a little extra left over. Now it’s a struggle to keep up with simple necessities. It seemed out of nowhere my pay was significantly cut, which I'm currently trying to get to the bottom of. I’m sure your first thought would be to check with my employer. I’ve checked. My boss checked. His boss checked. It’s a mystery; no explanation.  I got a little behind splurging on Christmas gifts, but it wasn’t THAT extreme.

As times got harder I spent most my days praying and in the Word; pleading to the Lord for help. He provided me with my current job of two years; a position I didn’t even apply for but was called and asked to interview on my brother’s wedding day, then hired 5 days later. As I continued to pray something I saw on social media came to mind: there’s a man drowning and he yells to God for help. Even as a boat passes him, he continues to ask God for help. The man dies and goes to heaven. When he sees God he asks “Why didn’t you help me?” God answers “I sent you a boat.”

 I surely didn’t want to make the same mistake he did. So I applied for another job. Not in a million years did I think they’d hire me. It’s Chicago; EVERYONE is looking for better employment. The most education I have is an Associate’s degree with little to no experience. I continued to pray. I was honest with God and confessed I wanted the position, but more so for His will to be done. He would  know the full details of the position, what kind of future I’d have with the company, and how I’d personally fit in. It seemed as if the Lord heard and answered my prayers right away. I was interviewed one afternoon and received a call the following morning: I got the job! Things were about to quickly change for me; or so I thought. I was informed that my start date had to be pushed back from June 2^nd to August 4^th; two more months of financial troubles. I know this job isn’t going to magically whisk all my money problems away, but it’d sure help a lot.  We’ve all been through hard times. I just didn’t expect mine to last THIS long. I’m like “OK Lord, I get it; you’re in control. That’s enough suffering now”. 

Were my burdens the Lord’s way of telling me it was time to move on? It’s possible.  Or it could simply be to strengthen my faith. Only He knows.  I’ve reached out for help and even was offered help, but some way or another it didn’t happen. Frustration doesn’t begin to describe my spirit lately. I’ve asked the question ‘Why me Lord?’ countless times. I actually said this question aloud during work one day, about 10 years ago. I can’t remember what the reasoning was, which shows its insignificance, but a man walked by and replied ‘Why NOT you?’ I can’t say if he was a coworker or even what his name was. But I never forgot that. Even as I approach the Lord in prayer with frustration on my heart, He reminds me that I have everything I NEED. How different would your life be, your daily attitude, if you were without any of the following: hot clean and running water, air conditioning, being able to bathe and use the toilet in the privacy of your own home, music, turning on a light with the flip of a switch, warm meals to eat/cool liquids to drink, or television. And yet, there are people who do it EVERYDAY. My circumstances have certainly made life uncomfortable, but definitely not unbearable.

One of the ways I like to channel my energy and deal with my frustrations is by doing something I love.  And I love baking!  I guess the silver lining in my current situation is my home bakery has been doing quite well.  I’ve gotten more clients this year, than the past 2 years combined. I used to only bake for holidays or family gatherings. Now I’ve successfully baked and decorated a few tiered cakes, one of which was for a wedding. People are asking for business cards and booking me months in advance! It was just 3 years ago that I dropped out of culinary school and couldn’t figure out, for the life of me, what God had planned. I’ve always known my cooking/baking skills were gifts; both came natural to me. Without culinary school, where’d that leave me? I’ve often felt envious of more successful and more talented bakers I’d come across. Wondering what wrong turn I made to end up a college drop-out, or if this was God’s plan all along. And if so, where will it lead me? Owning my own shop?  Or always a home baker? Well I know for certain God doesn’t make mistakes. He couldn’t if he wanted to! He’s so PERFECTLY PURE mistakes go against who he is. I rest on the words “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11. It makes sense to trust the One who holds the future in His hands.

Then there’s this guy. There’s always a guy right? LOL. Well, you see the last time I’ve actually “dated” a guy was 4 years ago. If there happened to be a guy I liked or was attracted to I’d pray about it. I’d always ask God if this guy was not who he wanted for me, my future husband, to remove any and everything I felt for him according to His will. And if he was to be my husband, then prepare me for him and vice versa.  And it worked! I woke up one day, the guy(s) reached out to me or I’d happen to run into him and what I felt was no longer there. But then there’s this one particular fellow. It’s going on 3 years now and for some reason I can’t shake him. I’ve prayed the same prayer, but no matter how much time has passed between seeing him, what I feel for him seems to increase not decrease. Not only that, but I dream about him quite often.   

Two years ago I was at an event where he, my crush, was to perform. At this time we had never spoken to one another.  But he walks in, sits a few rows in front of me, and then turns COMPLETELY around to stare at me. I thought I was seeing things. My mind HAD to be playing tricks on me! Until it was confirmed by someone else that he was staring. My heart was throbbing and my pulse racing. He’s seen me before and never paid me any attention! There had to be some explanation. Well, before the event had started an old male friend asked “What is up with you?!?!” with this wide-eyed, shocked, yet amazed expression. He motioned with his arms that there was something different about my appearance. After the event I was told by a female friend that I was glowing and my aura was brightened; that there was a light shining from within me. Then I remembered reading something from several Christian blogs, how the Pastor/Minister/man of God knew who his wife was. He said one day he saw her and she was just glowing. That there was something about her appearance and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Now, it would’ve been perfect if he’d have asked me out after the event right? Nope. He walked right past me with his head down as if he could barely look at me.

Upon talking to other Christian women I learned that having a glowed appearance is the light of Christ shining from within me, Acts 6:15 says “And gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel”. Honestly it freaked me out a little because it’s never happened before.  What I asked myself is why, out the hundreds of people I saw at the event, that the Lord would allow those three, especially my crush, to see the glow He gave me. Here I am beyond excited thinking this was the Lord’s way of confirming my crush was my husband to the both of us. Now it’s been years later and….nothing. Sure I’ve seen him since then. We’ve even gotten to the point of greeting one another. And it’s the same thing; he stares but doesn’t say a word. I even saw him with a date a while ago.

Was I jealous? Heck yeah! But instead of showing off or trying to prove I was more deserving of his attention than she was, I went home and fell to my knees in prayer. I poured my heart out completely to the Lord. I admitted I was jealous, but if she’s his wife to be from Almighty God, then so be it, regardless of how I feel about him. I realized I haven’t been on a date in 4 years and the last date I had was my brother. I vented: when will it be my turn Lord?!? No one is pursuing me, kisses me, desires me, holds my hand, sends me flowers, or cuddles me at night. Why am I the only one left? Sure I’m a virgin but I still struggle with temptation. There may be some women who can go awhile without desiring sex. Well I am NOT one of those women, OK!  I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t desire those things. It’s a DAILY struggle for my mind AND flesh to fight that temptation. It. Just. Sucks. Those nights I lay awake in bed entertaining the thought of satisfying my flesh I reflect on 1 Corinthians 10:13:

Paul talks about singleness and marriage. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7 he explains that it is better to be single than marry, because as a single woman/man we long to please the Lord, but as a married woman/man our attention is divided between our spouse and the Lord. He also says it is better to marry than burn with passion because only in the sanctity of marriage can a man and woman glorify the Lord with their sexual acts. And I’m right in the center of it all. I know marriage won’t fulfil any lust I may battle with. A husband isn’t something I want to merely satisfy my flesh, out of boredom, or loneliness. It’s something I’ve desired since I was a little girl. I’d cook my dad breakfast and imagine cooking for my own family one day. Nearly every job interview I’ve had they’d ask “Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?” and I’d always reply “Married with a family of my own”.

A lot of my friends and family see me owning my own bakery one day. If given the choice between that or having a family of my own I’d choose the latter, no hesitation.  I’ve always saw myself as a wife and mother; not a doctor, not a programmer, not a Math teacher, and not an owner of a bakery (which is probably why I couldn’t figure out what to major in during college, LOL). Since grade school I’d picture myself at 25 years old walking down the aisle. By now, I should be married with 10 kids. That's all I ever saw for my future. Even BEFORE I desired to be physical with a man.

I’ve tried the world’s way. Whoever said “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” straight lied! Recently as I was praying, and venting, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a prayer I said a while ago. Prior to meeting my crush I prayed and asked the Lord that my next boyfriend would be my husband. That was 4 years ago! What you just read was the Lord answering my prayer. There’s a shield protecting me and only my future husband can break it. Isn’t that wonderfully crazy?!? Not only did the Lord hear and answer a prayer, but I am so precious in His sight that He’d guard me from all men except the one He created just for me. There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m just special!

Everything we go through in life is only temporary. Just because I’m struggling in some areas of my life doesn't mean The Lord isn't taking care of me or providing for me. Just because I’m not married now doesn’t mean it won’t happen. The lesson here is this: pour all your burdens, worries, concerns, and struggles to the Lord. Be honest. He knows your heart and inner thoughts better than you do. Let him know how you feel and allow Him to make any changes He so pleases. And even when things seem not to go as you planed, remember whatever He’s allowing to happen is for your good. Trust Him. As long as you have breath in your body, your purpose is NOT over. This is His world; we just happen to live in it.