Welcome to my mind: Testimony time

I first got saved, or gave my life to Christ, right after my 12^th birthday. One Sunday after morning worship my mom and I were on our way to my granny’s house for dinner. My mom pointed out to me the sinner’s prayer posted in the church bulletin. She told me if I didn’t say that prayer, I would go to hell. Something about the ‘age of accountability’. When we arrived at my granny’s house, I was overcome with the feeling that Satan and his demons were surrounding me just waiting for permission to take me away to hell. Obviously at such a young age, someone telling you you’re going to hell doesn’t sit quite well, LOL. Anyway, eventually I listened to my instincts, which I now know was the Spirit of God, went upstairs, got on my knees and asked Jesus to come into my life. Once I stood up it felt like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Immediately after that moment all I wanted to do was go to church. I couldn’t get enough. From the ages of 12-18 years old, my life consisted of school and church. One particular Sunday during worship service, my Pastor spoke about marriage and how God said to wait until you are married to be intimate in any way. I decided I would do just that! I had no problem telling any guy that tried to date me or was attracted to me, “I’m a virgin and I’m waiting until I’m married to have sex”.  I’ve ALWAYS had the desire to be a wife and mother. In my mind God said to wait for marriage and that’s what I had to do to get what I wanted.

On the exterior, everything seemed fine. Monday through Friday I was in school. Always on honor roll, receiving awards for my academics, straight A student. Saturday and Sunday I was in church. I didn’t like to party, go to the mall, or any of the things most kids in high school were doing. I’d much rather read a Dean Koontz novel than sit in front of a TV all day.

Internally, I was extremely depressed and insecure. I felt very alone. All four years of high school I’d had 2 true friends, 1 of which I remain friends with today.



Sonya and I, bffs

During lunch I’d sit alone and read; I refused to talk to anyone. The only time anyone ever did talk to me was if they wanted to copy my school work. I wasn’t stupid; I knew I was being used. But it made me feel superior to them. They needed me, but I didn’t need them.

I constantly compared myself to other girls thinking all of them were prettier than me. All the guys at my high school never paid me any attention and it made me frustrated. Sure there were a few who spoke to me and even asked for my phone number. But after one conversation, which I presumed was pleasant, it never went any further. I never really understood dating. Senior year a female classmate was going on and on about her boyfriend cheating on her. She said something along the lines of ‘The only thing he can do right is when he’s on top of me. And even then it’s bad because it only lasts 5 minutes.” This she said loud enough for everyone to hear! Of course I could understand her pain and anger, my heart’s been broken too. But the fact I saw her that very same day holding hands with that dude, smiling from ear to ear, as if she never said any of those things!!!!! I thought ‘How stupid are you?!?!!? He’s not hiding the fact that he’s playing you, he’s CLEARLY not pleasing you either, and you take him back?!?!’ UGH! Dating was stupid. Boys were stupid. My taste, were older men.



My dad raised my brothers and I. I was about 10 years old when I asked him when I would be able to have a boyfriend and he asked why I wanted one. I said ‘I don’t know. So I can go out and have someone to kiss.’ (Yes I actually said that). My dad then explained to me guys only wanted one thing from me and they’d do or say anything to get it. He’d tell me lines he used back in the day, and as I got older I realized guys were using the same lines! My dad said that most guys would want to date me for sex. In return they’d take me out, buy me things and I would be called their girlfriend. If I told them I was waiting for marriage to have sex, more than likely they wouldn’t want to date me or call me their girlfriend. Of course they wouldn’t spend any money on me either. He said being the type of woman I am, men should consider it a privilege, an honor, to spend any time with me.  It should be a man’s pleasure to take me (or any virtuous woman, Proverbs 31) out and be part of their lives in any way, to enhance it. The sex shouldn’t matter. He said (and I’ve heard this from various guys) I’m the type of woman a man marries, not have as a girlfriend. Hearing that made me excited. I mean, that’s what most girls want right? To be married; for her prince to come rescue her, horse and carriage, the whole nine yards. Yeah, well this is the real world, not a fairytale. Then again, wouldn’t I have to be someone’s girlfriend and then become their wife?! Ugh, dating is just not for me!

August 2003 I started my undergrad at Illinois State University in Bloomington-Normal. I was officially on my own. My dad would be sure and call me Friday through Sunday nights and check on me. He thought I’d be out partying and getting drunk, and some nights I did. But, like I said before, I’m not a party person. When we were younger on Friday nights my dad would order pizza and we’d watch movies as a family. That tradition stuck with me. While my entire dorm was empty and really quiet, it was the perfect time to rent a movie and order Pizza Hut.

Two years goes by and I sign my first lease for my first apartment. Although I’d been on my own for some time, it still felt weird not having any parent to answer to. If someone invited me out or a guy wanted to come to my place, my dad was no longer in authority. It was my decision. I had to use what he’d taught me, how he raised me, and my faith in the Lord to determine how I would respond to the world as an adult.

I’d been strong my entire life; standing firm with my beliefs. And then……it happened. I gave into temptation. I’d spent years saying no, but didn’t really know what I was saying no to. When it came to sex my dad just said ‘Don’t do it!’ and my mom always broke out a scripture. I was a woman in her mid-Twenties who still didn’t know what sex was and how to do it. Talking to friends (male and female) made me extremely curious, but it still didn't answer the questions in my head. So I turned to porn. Watching porn helped me learn what sex was, female/male parts, etc. My curiosity only grew deeper, wanting to know what it felt like to be with a man. As the saying goes, 'Curiosity killed the cat'.
One guy was accepting of my virginity and only ‘wanted to please me’. The thought of anyone performing oral sex grossed me out, but I’d always here females say how great it felt. I caved. And they were right; it felt great! I was now open to something I never had, and became a slave to it. LITERALLY! It was all I could think about, during work, during school, watching TV, reading, eating, even during church. I WANTED IT ALL THE TIME! The appetite I had could NOT be satisfied. Looking back now I see how anyone can be in sexual bondage. I knew exactly what to say, ‘Just so you know I’m a virgin so nothing is happening…’, to make guys want to perform oral sex on me even more. I began to use them, just as my dad warned me about being used.

There were some occasions I’d made up my mind to go all the way. I said ‘Screw it! I’ve come this far, might as well go all the way.’ The fact I was in my twenties and hadn’t had intercourse bothered me. I wanted to be like my friends who had boyfriends and went out on dates. I figured if I gave him my body he’d be with me. The night I made the decision, I prepared dinner, and waited. Hours went by, no call no show. I later found out he was in a car accident. Another time following that one he was arrested (great choice right?!? Thank God it didn’t happen). Both times I knew without a doubt, God was saving me. But it made me angry and more adamant on doing it. I was determined to make it happen and join the club of having casual sex everyone I knew was part of. I didn’t listen to God. I pushed Him away and continued to do my own thing.



My Porter men and I

 

More years go by. The bitterness and anger towards God is overwhelming. I am still a virgin, and by that I mean not experiencing intercourse, but He hadn’t given me a husband yet. I waited like I was told to do, but every guy that entered my life was removed just as quick. By now I’m over 25 years old, way past my marriage deadline. Doesn’t God understand I don’t want to be in my thirties when I have my own children?!? Yeah….I had some nerve. The audacity to think God doesn’t know what He’s doing. He controls this entire universe, which has been around way longer than I have. That anger I held onto had me thinking my Creator was keeping something good from me.  I thank God for opening my eyes and being patient with me.

Mr. Eye-opener was in my life for about 2+ years. I won’t bore you with all the details. We started out as friends but it grew into more. I was so fond of him I knew I wanted him in my life even if we never got married (we discussed the future a lot!). Well, turns out he was not a nice person. Many people warned me about him, people that knew him a lot longer than I did, but I didn’t listen. Funny things is, I don’t blame him at all. I truly believe people attract who they are. We both were insecure and desperate for someone to love us. I also believe with every fiber of my existence what happened between us was for a reason. Was I hurt? Of course I was. I cried myself to sleep for almost 5 months! I’d spend the entire day thinking about him and wondering why it didn’t work when I tried so hard to force it. I wanted him and only him. Any man who was cuter or had more money just didn’t interest me. I wanted Mr. Eye-opener!!!

Well, I’ll tell you what, if it wasn’t for my experience with him, I would still have the mindset I had then. I had never felt that much hatred and anger in my life! It took what seems like years to come at peace with what happened. God had used that situation to completely break me down, tears and all, to come back to Him. I knew I never wanted to feel those things again, even if it meant being single for life.

I gave Mr. Eye-opener an ultimatum, either come clean or I didn’t want anything else to do with him. He chose the latter. Months later I ended up moving back to my home town, Chicago. Back home, the Spirit of God was begging and pleading with me to let Him in, but I was still hurt. I hadn’t healed yet. I went to church when I felt like it, not because I wanted to hear a word from God. I prayed, not because I completely depended on God, but because I wanted Him to bring my love back to me.

The more time passed the more I found myself slowly forgetting about the guy that changed my life. I began talking and spending time with God, this time because I wanted to. I’d wake up at 3am and talk for hours. My core didn’t feel so hot anymore; the hole in my heart was starting to fill up!
There were even Christian guys I became attracted to, no longer attracting the type of person I used to be. I thought this particular guy was kind of cute, but again wasn't so eager to date him. We spoke when we passed; eventually we began texting. I found myself smiling when he'd call me. One morning he asked me to dinner. Immediately I was excited. Here's a guy who knows Jesus, and by that I don't mean just have bible verses tatted on his arm, I mean really living for God, handsome, with a great future ahead of him. Before responding 'yes' or 'no' I prayed first. I was honest with God and said I do feel something for this guy, but if he is not who You've (God) chosen to be my husband I don't want to waste his or my time. If he wasn't going to be my husband I didn't see the point in going out with him. I asked for the Lord's will. Guess what? After that I never heard from that guy again. I mean he literally disappeared. Obviously God was telling me he's not my husband. What's great is that I didn't feel any pain or hurt; we never went out so my feelings didn't have a chance to really develop. It was more like 'oh well' with absolutely no hard feelings.

 

 

You see, my life’s biggest lesson is, always, ALWAYS keep God first.  It may sound cliché, but it’s so true. The reason God hadn’t provided me a husband when I wanted one, the reason my life became even more chaotic when I put everything I had into something or someone, the reason I went through the most devastating pain I’ve ever felt is all because I was disobeying God. When you place pleasing God as your first priority, everything in your life will fall where it should. For years I believed once I got marriage and had a family of my own, my life would be complete or fulfilled in a way. Now I KNOW Jesus is the only one that can complete me. He filled the void I was trying to fill with things and people of this world. In spite of my singleness, I am at peace. I feel joy. Every obstacle I went through was to get me back to the source of all existence: GOD. Just thinking about how God would allow those things to happen, just so I could be realigned with Him is AMAZING. That’s how great His love is. He wasn’t holding me back from being married and He didn’t take those men away from me because He wanted me to be miserable. The essence of God is good. He can’t do anything with evil intent. He was showing mercy upon me, even when I didn’t recognize it. Marriage may be in His plan for me, just not right now; or it very well could be His will that I remain single for the rest of my life. It took an ocean of tears for me to realize; God’s will is all that matters. 

 

 

 

 

Jesus is Lord!

Hi there. My name is Karen *waves hi*. The Lord just blessed me with 28 years on the earth this past December. Born and raised on the south side of Chicago. I attended Illinois State University in Normal, IL for some time, lol. That lol is for those that know I never graduated. Eh….let’s just say I left for college with no clue on what I wanted to do and changed my major A LOT! Anyways, I lived down there almost 10 years and moved back a little over a year ago with the strongest desire to pursue my love of food. I love to cook and bake. Anything that has to do with being in a kitchen, I’m down. Don’t worry, you’ll soon hear of me in that areaJ. Along with that, the Lord had placed on my heart a stronger desire of Him.

That’s where this blog comes into play. You know how you get the best news you’ve ever heard and want to scream from a rooftop, partly from excitement but mostly to share with any and every one? Exactly how I feel. I can say I’ve known Jesus all my life, but I’d rather not claim that, now I have a better understanding of what it means to be a born again Christian. I’ll give you more details and my testimony later. Let’s cut to the chase; the first thing I’d like to share with you is best news you can ever hear.  Your reaction and the decision you make upon reading this message will determine your future. Not like in the next month, or a few years from now. I mean the most important future, something we’re all guaranteed, and that’s the future of your soul in eternity.

All I’d like to say is this: Jesus is Lord. Did you get that? Let me just reiterate: JESUS IS LORD! There’re quite a few responses to that statement. For now, let’s put them into two categories; wise and unwise. The wise responses would agree that Jesus is, in fact, Lord of all. On the other hand, those who either don’t believe that statement and/or those that don’t care would fall into the unwise category.

I will start with the wise category first. For as long as I remember being able to think for myself, I’ve always believed in God. Again I believed in God, not so much Jesus. I believed in heaven, but not hell. As a kid I’d sit on the porch and just stare at the sky for hours looking at the stars. I just knew there had to be something more to this life, something bigger and better than earth, and that death isn’t an eternal sleep.

I’d say the person I used to be is the general way people think. As long as you’re a ‘good person’, pray sometimes, and even attend church when you feel like it, heaven is pretty much a guarantee. That’s where WE ALL are wrong. We, the human race, have one thing in common; we’re just that, HUMAN. A mass murderer and single mother both are born of man and woman’s conception, blood running through their veins, heart rate 60-80 beats per minute, eat, sleep, and both breathe that good ol’ God given oxygen.

Let’s take that mass murderer and single mother into consideration for a moment. The mass murderer kills countless people, arrested and convicted to a lifetime in prison. While in prison, he happens to come upon a bible, starts reading it, and eventually accepts Jesus as his personal Savior. The single mother is now divorced from a man that used to abuse her. Overprotective with love for her children she is now celibate and helps women who suffer in the same circumstances she once did. She watches her children grow up, eventually is blessed with grandchildren and dies an old woman. She, however, never accepts Jesus into her heart. Of these two individuals, we would conclude the single mother would go to heaven and the murderer to hell, based on their lives.

As I stated earlier, we are all wrong. The murderer would indeed be welcomed into heaven. The mother unfortunately would spend eternity apart from God. Romans 3:10-12, “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away; they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” Of course in our eyes, we see good people, bad people. We’ve categorized everyone according to how they treat us and what they portray themselves as. But God’s eyes are not as our eyes (Praise God!). What you must understand is that God is HOLY, perfection at its purest, knows all, sees all, and has all power within heaven, earth and everything in between. It was Him that gathered dust in His hand, breathed into the dust to form man, a living soul (Genesis 2:7). God is so holy in fact, He CANNOT be in the presence of anything unholy, “….Holy, holy, holy, is the name of the Lord of hosts…” (Isaiah 6:3). It’s IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be. So, the single mother, in God’s eyes is not holy, and would not be welcomed into His heavenly kingdom. Everything we do, whether good or bad, are tainted in a sense, because we all are sinners, “…all our righteous acts are like filthy rags…” (Isaiah 64:6). It’s in our nature to sin, to want to be apart from God. We’re so sinful in fact; you can sin and not even know it! That’s how natural it is. Things you do, say, and even think are unholy.

It all starts with Jesus. Jesus is God; the second of the Holy Trinity after God the Father. He’s the glue that binds us back to God our Father, the middle man, the mediator, the messenger. And without Him, there’d be no way for anyone to have access to God the Father - John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’ “. And Romans 3:22-25 “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile (male or female, black or white, young or old, etc.,), for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith.” 

Now the reason why Mr. Murder would be welcomed into heaven is simply because he was made whole, or made holy, by God. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun”. In that one moment, everything changes. God grants us the choice to live for Him and accept Him into our lives. The ex-killer’s sin and all unrighteousness in that moment was nailed to the cross, as was Jesus. Through His resurrection is a new life given, by faith alone. Only Jesus, in all His perfection can make the unrighteous righteous. Does that make any sense? Wait. Let me try again. We’re born in sin. God sent Himself as Jesus, 100% God and 100% human; He became flesh like us, while still remaining to be God. When He gave His life on the cross, the sin and unrighteousness of ALL mankind, (that means from Adam and Eve until Christ’s return, the sins you did yesterday and will do 10 years from now) was put onto Him. The wrath of God that we so rightfully deserve was placed on God Himself through Jesus. It was in His resurrection that death was defeated so any man that just believes in Jesus and confesses that to Him will live forever with Him in all His Glory and Majesty.

Yeah, it’s really that simple. Is it sinking in yet? There is no one righteous, NO ONE; not you, me, a nun, the pope, the president, richest man in the world, the sweetest person in the world, your son or daughter, not your parents or grandparents, or your best friend.  The only thing that can make you righteous to spend eternity with the Creator is your own personal faith through Jesus Christ.

My prayer is that upon reading this message the Holy Spirit will touch your heart, and from there your curiosity will grow so that you eventually will come to know the one and only true God like I know Him today.

 

With Love,

Karen