CRAZY FAITH

Three years ago, I felt like I was on top of the world. 2016 was a great year, both professionally and personally. By February I was promoted to a position I could see myself retiring from. I made enough money to not only pay bills, but to pay off student loan debt. After a year of taking public transportation, I was now driving a new car. My life was also very peaceful after freeing myself from dating men who I knew there was no future with. Life was GOOD!

Even in the midst of living my best life, I still felt a pull to something else. In my new career it got around that I could bake. I was then volun-told I’d be the baker for our team’s monthly birthday celebrations. The first time I brought in a homemade baked-good, my boss looked at me and said “You shouldn’t be working here. You need your own bakery”. That October, the company’s yearly United Way Fundraiser arrived and my team, once again, told me I’d be baking over 100 cupcakes to sell. As the cupcakes got around and people asked who made them, random people would come up to my desk just to tell me how much they enjoyed my Red Velvet cupcakes; my boss personally walked several people directly to me. While I enjoyed the compliments, I still was very much comfortable where I was in my career. Why would I give that up?

Years prior to this position, I relocated back to my hometown with the intention of going into business for myself. However, when that plan didn’t pan out, I simply said forget it and started working a “normal” job. No matter how many times it came up or how strongly it stayed on my heart, I pushed it away. I’d have dreams of working in a bakery. Family and friends would have the same dream. Many of them had more faith in my gift of baking than I. Still, I was content with where my life was. Why go through the pain of it not working out again? If this was really God’s plan for me, He’d have to remove me from the workforce Himself.

January 2017, I return to work after the holiday to the unfortunate news that my boss had a stroke, her second one while working for this company. She has since recovered and able to return to work, praise God. However, for the sake of her health, she decided not to return as our boss. Now, the professional atmosphere had completely changed. Every morning as I got dressed for work, my mind was full of despair. This was no longer a place I wanted to retire from; instead I wondered how I could escape. Some days were so bad, I’d come home and cry myself to sleep. As much as I prayed, I assumed I’d have to stick it out. What other choice did I have? How else would I eat and pay my bills? As a woman nearing her mid 30s, it’d be considered suicide to start over. 

The more I sought the Lord with my frustrations, the more He reminded me of the passion He created within me. I’d run into a coworker, whom I’d never met mind you, but they followed With Love from Karen (my cake page) on Facebook and they’d instantly refer to me as the cake lady and ask when I planned to open a bakery. Kendra (a woman of faith and 10 years my senior) and I had built a friendship, even outside of work and a few times over the years she’d walk into my cube and I knew instantly she had a message from God. April 11, 2018 was no different. She immediately explained how as of December 2017 it was easier and cheaper to start a business. She spoke life into me for several minutes as I looked at her in disbelief. One thing I will never forget her saying was “It’s a mandate from the Lord; it’s not your choice”. Byron, my new cubemate, was aware of my gift. He wasn’t as pleasant as everyone else. He outright called me a coward! He had a joke going with a few others on our team; they’d say I must not like money because I’m standing on a goldmine. I could be a millionaire by now with the gifts and talent I have. Byron would ask me directly why I haven’t begun to work for myself. Every reason I gave he shut down as an excuse. December 6, 2018 I received a text message from Leah. We attend the same church together and had recently started a prayer team. Her message said “I believe God wants you to hear how to run a successful business...check it out.” with a video attachment.

As 2018 ended, I knew it was time for me to leave my job. After years of denial, I embraced the idea. However, I still had no direction on when or what to do. January 2019 the company is making major changes nationwide. After several meetings there was still no clear understanding of where my team was headed. By now half the office has moved to another location or have been let go. April 23, 2019 we are informed our position is being eliminated. My team has until June 30th to find another job or we are to leave with severance pay. As the director of HR announced this, I immediately knew this was my way out. I tried to hide the look of excitement on my face with the news. Two days later, April 25th, my grandmother passed away.

I take some days off from work for bereavement. Grief begins to take a toll on my faith. I pour all time and energy into looking for employment; within the company and elsewhere. My Pastor posted positions at the church’s headquarters and says he’d put in a good word for me. Finding a new job became my full time job. I had many different formats of my resume; I applied almost anywhere that offered the same or more pay as I currently made. I began to do phone and in-person interviews. I even received wonderful feedback. Despite the effort I made and those who spoke on my behalf, no offers came. Week after week, I was met with rejection after rejection.

I’d had enough. Sunday, May 19, 2019 I pray before bed. I pour all frustrations, anger, and disappointments before the Lord. I’ve watched many coworkers get hired into new positions, moving into the new season of their lives. How can I possibly be rejected so many times when I am a daughter of the most High God! It just didn’t make sense. For almost a month now, I had been depending on my own strength and wisdom. I had finally reached my breaking point. I asked God to show me as I slept what His will/purpose was for my life. I blatantly asked the Lord to show me my future in a dream.

Now, I pretty much knew this would guarantee me to dream while I slept. I expected it. I figured I’d dream of being an author, prayer warrior, missionary, serving in the church, or leading women's small group. Something, ANYTHING to do with church. I was wrong. 

I had 2 dreams. In the first dream, I am moving around hurriedly. Although I can’t see what I am doing, I am moving very fast paced. Finally, I standstill, inhale and look around; I am standing inside my own bakery. Upon waking up and wrapping my mind around my answered prayer, I confided in a friend what my prayer was and what I assumed I’d dream. She responded, “Well, He knows what’s most on your heart right now”. Facts. ALL FACTS. *The second dream will be revealed in Crazy Faith Part 2*

That same morning, Monday, May 20, 2019 I received three additional rejections, all internal positions. Three!!! This is the first time in a month I haven’t been sad or felt the need to cry upon getting news a job didn’t want me. God showed me what He has for me, there was no need to waste any more time and energy applying or interviewing. I knew what my future held. I still had no idea of the details or how I’d get there, but my Heavenly Father does.

My last day in the office was June 25, 2019. As I drove away, I felt free. My time was finally mine! No one else to tell me when to clock in, take a break or eat lunch. It was scary to no longer have the guaranteed direct deposit every other Friday, BUT the peace of knowing I was finally walking into God’s will for my life was priceless. God is a personal God. Every soul on this earth has specific gifts and passions for a reason. I am ashamed of the time I wasted in disobedience; running away from the very things that make me who I am. However, I am now more determined to never make this mistake again. It’s God’s way, or no way!

A Love Letter

Abba,

You are the reason I breathe. You are my strength.  You are my rock. Every morning You allow me to wake up I am covered by Your protection, Your grace and Your mercy. Every day is a new beginning because of You. I have a peace on the inside of me that I never knew was possible. You sit high above the heavens as the all-knowing, almighty, glorious, and holy Creator that You are; yet for some reason I will never comprehend why You care about me. Every single detail of my life, You are interested in. As my Father in Heaven you are completely invested in every minute I live. You see every tear I cry. You hear my heart when I can’t form the words (which is quite often) to express how I feel. You are always moving things around, for MY good.

Without you, Father, I am nothing. I am dirt. In fact, the more I grow to know you Lord, the more I realize just how filthy I really am. I don’t deserve to know you. I don’t deserve Your love, especially Your forgiveness. My debt to You is incomprehensible. Immeasurable! Therefore, it is my pleasure to serve You oh God. My life, my body, my future, my soul is YOURS. Do with them as You please, even when I don’t understand Your ways. Your love for me is undeniable, thus Your will is unmatchable. What a fool I was to think I could do life on my own. I can’t do anything without You, not even blink. I need You Father. Every second of every day.

I know You are real. I FEEL You. I HEAR You. You make life worth living Lord. Daily I seek Your presence and am constantly amazed how often You speak to me. I long to see Your face. I long to hear Your laugh. My soul thirsts for you in such a way nothing in this world can satisfy. The moment I take my last breath and am joined with You in eternity will be the best moment of my life. My greatest desire, is to be completely and utterly engulfed by You. And praise to Jesus Christ for making it possible!

Thank you Lord. I have everything I need and everything I don’t deserve. Thank you for renewing me inside and out. You’ve completely transformed me. When I think about the woman I was 10 years ago, even 4 years ago, I cringe. You continuously challenge me. Make me step my faith game up. You allow me to be placed in situations where I have no choice but to pray. For some reason, you have placed such a burden on my heart to pray about every and anything I see or hear. All day I bring petitions and names before Your throne. And You answer before I even say ‘Amen’. That will forever amaze me. That little ‘ol me, who is like a grasshopper to You, can not only approach You at any time, but that You hear me AND grant my requests. Thank you. I can’t thank you enough. And I love You. Have I said that today? Well, I do.

Father, I just want You. If that means I’ll be made fun of, ok. I’m used to that (lol).  If that means I will live an abundant life, then hallelujah! Either way, please know You are all I want. You are all I will ever need. And as long as You give me strength, I will give Your name the glory for whatever comes in this life.

My Naked Truth: Still Waiting...

I have to be honest: I want to have sex. I crave it. It’s an ache that won’t go away. Literally, every day I am reminded of my deepest desire being unfulfilled and it sucks.

I was raised by my dad. By default, any guy interested in me was afraid of him and thus afraid to talk to me. He was very present in my life. He knew who my friends were and spent time with them, went to teacher/parent meetings, even knew my principal! There were many rules in our house, but one of the biggest was “no company while he’s away.” A few times I was talked into it, but the moment the boy stepped inside, I became extremely paranoid of being caught. The fear of my dad catching me with a boy was so great, I figured it was best if I just avoided it.

As a young adult on my own, a guy would ask if he could come over and immediately an image of my dad came to mind. Every single time. I think I was 20 or so when I called him to talk about it. He told me “Girl! You grown now. You can do whatever you want!” So, with his “permission” so to speak, I had a guy come over. He kissed me. He touched me. I was uncomfortable. I knew what he wanted but I didn’t know EXACTLY what it was and I was embarrassed to have not had any experience.

See, I still had no idea how my vagina actually functioned. Or even what it looked like. I was attending Illinois State University at the time and one semester while signing up for classes, I saw Sex Ed was available and I immediately signed up. One morning the professor showed a picture of a vagina and all its parts. Now, as someone who’d never seen this, I stared at the projector screen, mouth ajar and eyes about to pop out of their sockets. My mind was completely blown! Why is a male college professor teaching me about my own body? Considering the conversations all of my friends were having, I was way behind and it was time for me to catch up!

One part in particular caught my interest or tickled my fancy if you will; the clitoris. I could see from the textbook at least 90% of the clitoris is beneath the surface. The professor said it had no known function or purpose. This made no sense. If it had no purpose God wouldn’t have put it there. Granted, I wasn’t a theologian and at that point never read the Bible for myself, but of that, I was sure. Turns out, it’s sole purpose is for sexual pleasure. And I had one?!? God must REALLY love me!

So now, I have a pretty good idea of what sex is. But, I want to see it. There were pictures in our textbook, but those alone weren’t sufficient. The answer: PORN. At first, I watched in horror as I mentally processed what was on my computer screen. But I couldn’t stop watching. All I kept thinking was ‘What does it FEEL like?’, and if it feels as good as they make it seem, why the heck have I been waiting this long to participate?!

The first time I masturbated, it was an accident. I was exploring, confirming things I had learned, and things just…..got out of hand. I didn’t know what was happening until it was over. I laid there trying to make sense of what I’d just experienced. I was too afraid to speak of this to anyone, yet so excited by what I’d discovered. I’d opened the door to a whole new world I never knew existed. I wanted more. I needed it. To feel the pleasure build up, until it uncontrollably released. I’d finally gotten a taste of what an orgasm was and upset I’d waited so long. I stayed in bed for days, even called off work. I did not eat nor shower. My bed was all that mattered. Masturbate. Sleep. Repeat.

This new-found experience led me into a very dark place. Nothing in this world mattered more to me than the release of an orgasm. I decided on several occasions I was tired of being the good girl and ready to become a woman. Whatever guy I was seeing at the time won the golden ticket. Guess what? Didn’t work. Something ALWAYS happened to prevent me from finally getting laid. I was rebelling against God. I’d never felt as separated from God as I did during this time. I was tired of living life on my own terms because it’d gotten me nowhere! The masturbation, men, drinking, and even money - everything I chased was not enough. There was a void deeper than any of those things could ever reach.

I cried out to God and asked for forgiveness. I never wanted to be apart from Him again nor put anything/person in His place. Messages from my home church began to resurface and after the tears, I rededicated my life to Christ. I asked that He eliminate everyone and everything from my life contributing to my downfall. Feelings for the guy I knew was completely wrong for me, take it away. The desire for sex, remove it. I mentally prepared to never have a family of my own. Suddenly, old friends no longer wanted to hang out. The guy I just knew I’d marry had left. One minute he loves me, we’re planning our wedding and where we would live. The next, he’s cursing me out and reminding me of every insecurity I have. I ignored the warnings for over a year and was smacked in the face with everything all at once: the lies, rumors, money he stole, and the other woman. The sexual desire? That was still there and seemingly not going away. It was hard just trying to fall asleep without masturbating. I was literally in a battle every single night. My flesh wanted to feel good, but I knew I could not let myself go back to that dark place.

It took years, but eventually it got easier. Today, I am 34, and because of God’s grace, still a virgin. The desires have not changed. It is still a battle I fight everyday. I had a friend enter a restriction code on my devices so I no longer look at porn. TV, music, and conversations that even hint on the subject I try to stay away from. And men? My relationship with the Lord has grown so much, they avoid me like a plague. What has taken almost a decade for me to understand is God covered me back then and today He covers me still.

Now, it’s not only sex I desire, I want it all. I long for intimacy in its truest form as God intended. To be joined with a man spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically; in every way humanly possible. I want to be his safe place away from the world and he mine. I want to become impregnated with his bloodline and give birth to his legacy. I want curses and chains to be broken by our union. I want marriage, with Christ as the head.

God Himself has taken the time to remind me of my desires and that He will fulfil them. I didn’t know it then, but by not removing those desires, God was confirming His will for my life. Years I chased after what I wanted, needing to be in the driver’s seat, but He’s been waiting, ever patiently, for me to give Him the control, allow Him to prepare me to be the wife He’s created me to be, and bring my husband and I together on His time and on His terms. My birth father wouldn’t give any random guy my hand in marriage; so is the same with my Father in heaven.

Only He who formed me in my mother’s womb is able to give me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think. His word says so. God is many things, but a liar He is not. 10 years ago I sought a way out of depression. I sought peace and love. Christ gave me all those things and more. It’s something that can’t be explained, but experienced. Do you know Him? If you have no idea or just not sure, tell Him right now. The Bible says “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved.” Whatever you think or feel, tell Him. If you’re scared and not sure He’s there, tell Him. Start the conversation. It will change your life. It certainly changed mine.

Waiting is preparation; it’s a process. For what exactly? I’m not sure, but I have faith it will be worth it.