I have to be honest: I want to have sex. I crave it. It’s an ache that won’t go away. Literally, every day I am reminded of my deepest desire being unfulfilled and it sucks.
I was raised by my dad. By default, any guy interested in me was afraid of him and thus afraid to talk to me. He was very present in my life. He knew who my friends were and spent time with them, went to teacher/parent meetings, even knew my principal! There were many rules in our house, but one of the biggest was “no company while he’s away.” A few times I was talked into it, but the moment the boy stepped inside, I became extremely paranoid of being caught. The fear of my dad catching me with a boy was so great, I figured it was best if I just avoided it.
As a young adult on my own, a guy would ask if he could come over and immediately an image of my dad came to mind. Every single time. I think I was 20 or so when I called him to talk about it. He told me “Girl! You grown now. You can do whatever you want!” So, with his “permission” so to speak, I had a guy come over. He kissed me. He touched me. I was uncomfortable. I knew what he wanted but I didn’t know EXACTLY what it was and I was embarrassed to have not had any experience.
See, I still had no idea how my vagina actually functioned. Or even what it looked like. I was attending Illinois State University at the time and one semester while signing up for classes, I saw Sex Ed was available and I immediately signed up. One morning the professor showed a picture of a vagina and all its parts. Now, as someone who’d never seen this, I stared at the projector screen, mouth ajar and eyes about to pop out of their sockets. My mind was completely blown! Why is a male college professor teaching me about my own body? Considering the conversations all of my friends were having, I was way behind and it was time for me to catch up!
One part in particular caught my interest or tickled my fancy if you will; the clitoris. I could see from the textbook at least 90% of the clitoris is beneath the surface. The professor said it had no known function or purpose. This made no sense. If it had no purpose God wouldn’t have put it there. Granted, I wasn’t a theologian and at that point never read the Bible for myself, but of that, I was sure. Turns out, it’s sole purpose is for sexual pleasure. And I had one?!? God must REALLY love me!
So now, I have a pretty good idea of what sex is. But, I want to see it. There were pictures in our textbook, but those alone weren’t sufficient. The answer: PORN. At first, I watched in horror as I mentally processed what was on my computer screen. But I couldn’t stop watching. All I kept thinking was ‘What does it FEEL like?’, and if it feels as good as they make it seem, why the heck have I been waiting this long to participate?!
The first time I masturbated, it was an accident. I was exploring, confirming things I had learned, and things just…..got out of hand. I didn’t know what was happening until it was over. I laid there trying to make sense of what I’d just experienced. I was too afraid to speak of this to anyone, yet so excited by what I’d discovered. I’d opened the door to a whole new world I never knew existed. I wanted more. I needed it. To feel the pleasure build up, until it uncontrollably released. I’d finally gotten a taste of what an orgasm was and upset I’d waited so long. I stayed in bed for days, even called off work. I did not eat nor shower. My bed was all that mattered. Masturbate. Sleep. Repeat.
This new-found experience led me into a very dark place. Nothing in this world mattered more to me than the release of an orgasm. I decided on several occasions I was tired of being the good girl and ready to become a woman. Whatever guy I was seeing at the time won the golden ticket. Guess what? Didn’t work. Something ALWAYS happened to prevent me from finally getting laid. I was rebelling against God. I’d never felt as separated from God as I did during this time. I was tired of living life on my own terms because it’d gotten me nowhere! The masturbation, men, drinking, and even money - everything I chased was not enough. There was a void deeper than any of those things could ever reach.
I cried out to God and asked for forgiveness. I never wanted to be apart from Him again nor put anything/person in His place. Messages from my home church began to resurface and after the tears, I rededicated my life to Christ. I asked that He eliminate everyone and everything from my life contributing to my downfall. Feelings for the guy I knew was completely wrong for me, take it away. The desire for sex, remove it. I mentally prepared to never have a family of my own. Suddenly, old friends no longer wanted to hang out. The guy I just knew I’d marry had left. One minute he loves me, we’re planning our wedding and where we would live. The next, he’s cursing me out and reminding me of every insecurity I have. I ignored the warnings for over a year and was smacked in the face with everything all at once: the lies, rumors, money he stole, and the other woman. The sexual desire? That was still there and seemingly not going away. It was hard just trying to fall asleep without masturbating. I was literally in a battle every single night. My flesh wanted to feel good, but I knew I could not let myself go back to that dark place.
It took years, but eventually it got easier. Today, I am 34, and because of God’s grace, still a virgin. The desires have not changed. It is still a battle I fight everyday. I had a friend enter a restriction code on my devices so I no longer look at porn. TV, music, and conversations that even hint on the subject I try to stay away from. And men? My relationship with the Lord has grown so much, they avoid me like a plague. What has taken almost a decade for me to understand is God covered me back then and today He covers me still.
Now, it’s not only sex I desire, I want it all. I long for intimacy in its truest form as God intended. To be joined with a man spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically; in every way humanly possible. I want to be his safe place away from the world and he mine. I want to become impregnated with his bloodline and give birth to his legacy. I want curses and chains to be broken by our union. I want marriage, with Christ as the head.
God Himself has taken the time to remind me of my desires and that He will fulfil them. I didn’t know it then, but by not removing those desires, God was confirming His will for my life. Years I chased after what I wanted, needing to be in the driver’s seat, but He’s been waiting, ever patiently, for me to give Him the control, allow Him to prepare me to be the wife He’s created me to be, and bring my husband and I together on His time and on His terms. My birth father wouldn’t give any random guy my hand in marriage; so is the same with my Father in heaven.
Only He who formed me in my mother’s womb is able to give me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think. His word says so. God is many things, but a liar He is not. 10 years ago I sought a way out of depression. I sought peace and love. Christ gave me all those things and more. It’s something that can’t be explained, but experienced. Do you know Him? If you have no idea or just not sure, tell Him right now. The Bible says “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved.” Whatever you think or feel, tell Him. If you’re scared and not sure He’s there, tell Him. Start the conversation. It will change your life. It certainly changed mine.
Waiting is preparation; it’s a process. For what exactly? I’m not sure, but I have faith it will be worth it.
