Welcome to my mind: Testimony time

I first got saved, or gave my life to Christ, right after my 12^th birthday. One Sunday after morning worship my mom and I were on our way to my granny’s house for dinner. My mom pointed out to me the sinner’s prayer posted in the church bulletin. She told me if I didn’t say that prayer, I would go to hell. Something about the ‘age of accountability’. When we arrived at my granny’s house, I was overcome with the feeling that Satan and his demons were surrounding me just waiting for permission to take me away to hell. Obviously at such a young age, someone telling you you’re going to hell doesn’t sit quite well, LOL. Anyway, eventually I listened to my instincts, which I now know was the Spirit of God, went upstairs, got on my knees and asked Jesus to come into my life. Once I stood up it felt like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Immediately after that moment all I wanted to do was go to church. I couldn’t get enough. From the ages of 12-18 years old, my life consisted of school and church. One particular Sunday during worship service, my Pastor spoke about marriage and how God said to wait until you are married to be intimate in any way. I decided I would do just that! I had no problem telling any guy that tried to date me or was attracted to me, “I’m a virgin and I’m waiting until I’m married to have sex”.  I’ve ALWAYS had the desire to be a wife and mother. In my mind God said to wait for marriage and that’s what I had to do to get what I wanted.

On the exterior, everything seemed fine. Monday through Friday I was in school. Always on honor roll, receiving awards for my academics, straight A student. Saturday and Sunday I was in church. I didn’t like to party, go to the mall, or any of the things most kids in high school were doing. I’d much rather read a Dean Koontz novel than sit in front of a TV all day.

Internally, I was extremely depressed and insecure. I felt very alone. All four years of high school I’d had 2 true friends, 1 of which I remain friends with today.



Sonya and I, bffs

During lunch I’d sit alone and read; I refused to talk to anyone. The only time anyone ever did talk to me was if they wanted to copy my school work. I wasn’t stupid; I knew I was being used. But it made me feel superior to them. They needed me, but I didn’t need them.

I constantly compared myself to other girls thinking all of them were prettier than me. All the guys at my high school never paid me any attention and it made me frustrated. Sure there were a few who spoke to me and even asked for my phone number. But after one conversation, which I presumed was pleasant, it never went any further. I never really understood dating. Senior year a female classmate was going on and on about her boyfriend cheating on her. She said something along the lines of ‘The only thing he can do right is when he’s on top of me. And even then it’s bad because it only lasts 5 minutes.” This she said loud enough for everyone to hear! Of course I could understand her pain and anger, my heart’s been broken too. But the fact I saw her that very same day holding hands with that dude, smiling from ear to ear, as if she never said any of those things!!!!! I thought ‘How stupid are you?!?!!? He’s not hiding the fact that he’s playing you, he’s CLEARLY not pleasing you either, and you take him back?!?!’ UGH! Dating was stupid. Boys were stupid. My taste, were older men.



My dad raised my brothers and I. I was about 10 years old when I asked him when I would be able to have a boyfriend and he asked why I wanted one. I said ‘I don’t know. So I can go out and have someone to kiss.’ (Yes I actually said that). My dad then explained to me guys only wanted one thing from me and they’d do or say anything to get it. He’d tell me lines he used back in the day, and as I got older I realized guys were using the same lines! My dad said that most guys would want to date me for sex. In return they’d take me out, buy me things and I would be called their girlfriend. If I told them I was waiting for marriage to have sex, more than likely they wouldn’t want to date me or call me their girlfriend. Of course they wouldn’t spend any money on me either. He said being the type of woman I am, men should consider it a privilege, an honor, to spend any time with me.  It should be a man’s pleasure to take me (or any virtuous woman, Proverbs 31) out and be part of their lives in any way, to enhance it. The sex shouldn’t matter. He said (and I’ve heard this from various guys) I’m the type of woman a man marries, not have as a girlfriend. Hearing that made me excited. I mean, that’s what most girls want right? To be married; for her prince to come rescue her, horse and carriage, the whole nine yards. Yeah, well this is the real world, not a fairytale. Then again, wouldn’t I have to be someone’s girlfriend and then become their wife?! Ugh, dating is just not for me!

August 2003 I started my undergrad at Illinois State University in Bloomington-Normal. I was officially on my own. My dad would be sure and call me Friday through Sunday nights and check on me. He thought I’d be out partying and getting drunk, and some nights I did. But, like I said before, I’m not a party person. When we were younger on Friday nights my dad would order pizza and we’d watch movies as a family. That tradition stuck with me. While my entire dorm was empty and really quiet, it was the perfect time to rent a movie and order Pizza Hut.

Two years goes by and I sign my first lease for my first apartment. Although I’d been on my own for some time, it still felt weird not having any parent to answer to. If someone invited me out or a guy wanted to come to my place, my dad was no longer in authority. It was my decision. I had to use what he’d taught me, how he raised me, and my faith in the Lord to determine how I would respond to the world as an adult.

I’d been strong my entire life; standing firm with my beliefs. And then……it happened. I gave into temptation. I’d spent years saying no, but didn’t really know what I was saying no to. When it came to sex my dad just said ‘Don’t do it!’ and my mom always broke out a scripture. I was a woman in her mid-Twenties who still didn’t know what sex was and how to do it. Talking to friends (male and female) made me extremely curious, but it still didn't answer the questions in my head. So I turned to porn. Watching porn helped me learn what sex was, female/male parts, etc. My curiosity only grew deeper, wanting to know what it felt like to be with a man. As the saying goes, 'Curiosity killed the cat'.
One guy was accepting of my virginity and only ‘wanted to please me’. The thought of anyone performing oral sex grossed me out, but I’d always here females say how great it felt. I caved. And they were right; it felt great! I was now open to something I never had, and became a slave to it. LITERALLY! It was all I could think about, during work, during school, watching TV, reading, eating, even during church. I WANTED IT ALL THE TIME! The appetite I had could NOT be satisfied. Looking back now I see how anyone can be in sexual bondage. I knew exactly what to say, ‘Just so you know I’m a virgin so nothing is happening…’, to make guys want to perform oral sex on me even more. I began to use them, just as my dad warned me about being used.

There were some occasions I’d made up my mind to go all the way. I said ‘Screw it! I’ve come this far, might as well go all the way.’ The fact I was in my twenties and hadn’t had intercourse bothered me. I wanted to be like my friends who had boyfriends and went out on dates. I figured if I gave him my body he’d be with me. The night I made the decision, I prepared dinner, and waited. Hours went by, no call no show. I later found out he was in a car accident. Another time following that one he was arrested (great choice right?!? Thank God it didn’t happen). Both times I knew without a doubt, God was saving me. But it made me angry and more adamant on doing it. I was determined to make it happen and join the club of having casual sex everyone I knew was part of. I didn’t listen to God. I pushed Him away and continued to do my own thing.



My Porter men and I

 

More years go by. The bitterness and anger towards God is overwhelming. I am still a virgin, and by that I mean not experiencing intercourse, but He hadn’t given me a husband yet. I waited like I was told to do, but every guy that entered my life was removed just as quick. By now I’m over 25 years old, way past my marriage deadline. Doesn’t God understand I don’t want to be in my thirties when I have my own children?!? Yeah….I had some nerve. The audacity to think God doesn’t know what He’s doing. He controls this entire universe, which has been around way longer than I have. That anger I held onto had me thinking my Creator was keeping something good from me.  I thank God for opening my eyes and being patient with me.

Mr. Eye-opener was in my life for about 2+ years. I won’t bore you with all the details. We started out as friends but it grew into more. I was so fond of him I knew I wanted him in my life even if we never got married (we discussed the future a lot!). Well, turns out he was not a nice person. Many people warned me about him, people that knew him a lot longer than I did, but I didn’t listen. Funny things is, I don’t blame him at all. I truly believe people attract who they are. We both were insecure and desperate for someone to love us. I also believe with every fiber of my existence what happened between us was for a reason. Was I hurt? Of course I was. I cried myself to sleep for almost 5 months! I’d spend the entire day thinking about him and wondering why it didn’t work when I tried so hard to force it. I wanted him and only him. Any man who was cuter or had more money just didn’t interest me. I wanted Mr. Eye-opener!!!

Well, I’ll tell you what, if it wasn’t for my experience with him, I would still have the mindset I had then. I had never felt that much hatred and anger in my life! It took what seems like years to come at peace with what happened. God had used that situation to completely break me down, tears and all, to come back to Him. I knew I never wanted to feel those things again, even if it meant being single for life.

I gave Mr. Eye-opener an ultimatum, either come clean or I didn’t want anything else to do with him. He chose the latter. Months later I ended up moving back to my home town, Chicago. Back home, the Spirit of God was begging and pleading with me to let Him in, but I was still hurt. I hadn’t healed yet. I went to church when I felt like it, not because I wanted to hear a word from God. I prayed, not because I completely depended on God, but because I wanted Him to bring my love back to me.

The more time passed the more I found myself slowly forgetting about the guy that changed my life. I began talking and spending time with God, this time because I wanted to. I’d wake up at 3am and talk for hours. My core didn’t feel so hot anymore; the hole in my heart was starting to fill up!
There were even Christian guys I became attracted to, no longer attracting the type of person I used to be. I thought this particular guy was kind of cute, but again wasn't so eager to date him. We spoke when we passed; eventually we began texting. I found myself smiling when he'd call me. One morning he asked me to dinner. Immediately I was excited. Here's a guy who knows Jesus, and by that I don't mean just have bible verses tatted on his arm, I mean really living for God, handsome, with a great future ahead of him. Before responding 'yes' or 'no' I prayed first. I was honest with God and said I do feel something for this guy, but if he is not who You've (God) chosen to be my husband I don't want to waste his or my time. If he wasn't going to be my husband I didn't see the point in going out with him. I asked for the Lord's will. Guess what? After that I never heard from that guy again. I mean he literally disappeared. Obviously God was telling me he's not my husband. What's great is that I didn't feel any pain or hurt; we never went out so my feelings didn't have a chance to really develop. It was more like 'oh well' with absolutely no hard feelings.

 

 

You see, my life’s biggest lesson is, always, ALWAYS keep God first.  It may sound cliché, but it’s so true. The reason God hadn’t provided me a husband when I wanted one, the reason my life became even more chaotic when I put everything I had into something or someone, the reason I went through the most devastating pain I’ve ever felt is all because I was disobeying God. When you place pleasing God as your first priority, everything in your life will fall where it should. For years I believed once I got marriage and had a family of my own, my life would be complete or fulfilled in a way. Now I KNOW Jesus is the only one that can complete me. He filled the void I was trying to fill with things and people of this world. In spite of my singleness, I am at peace. I feel joy. Every obstacle I went through was to get me back to the source of all existence: GOD. Just thinking about how God would allow those things to happen, just so I could be realigned with Him is AMAZING. That’s how great His love is. He wasn’t holding me back from being married and He didn’t take those men away from me because He wanted me to be miserable. The essence of God is good. He can’t do anything with evil intent. He was showing mercy upon me, even when I didn’t recognize it. Marriage may be in His plan for me, just not right now; or it very well could be His will that I remain single for the rest of my life. It took an ocean of tears for me to realize; God’s will is all that matters.