A few weeks ago, while before the Lord in prayer, He spoke to me. It had been a while since I’ve heard Him speak; I simply picked and chose when I’d listen. My spiritual battle has been somewhat up & down lately, by my own fault. I confessed to the Lord I wanted to be closer to Him; for it to be like it was just over a month ago. When I’d come home and couldn’t wait to approach His throne of mercy in prayer, and then get right into His Holy word. Truth is, we all experience this. One minute we proclaim ‘Praise Ye the Lord’ or ‘Thank You Jesus’ and the next we’re questioning His power or doubting our own salvation.
It was during that very prayer that the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to fast. So I did. The very thing(s) that had been distracting me from my First Love, I removed from my life for one week. I just so happen to have been covering Philippians, when I came across the following:
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. (3:13-15, ESV)
Upon reading this, I sat at my kitchen table and stared at the wall. Time stood still while I played those words over and over in my head. I second guess my redemption because I know what I’ve done and what I CONTINUE to do; my mind constantly reminds me of the past - the ugly and the uglier! The old me was bitter, full of anger, lashing out at any and every one, heart overcome with hatred for this world because it just wouldn’t do right by me, and a distaste for men because they’d all caused me pain and heartache.
That passage hit me like a ton of bricks. All the time I’ve been praying and telling the Lord I’d like to be closer to Him, when He hasn’t gone anywhere! It’s us; it’s ME that strays away or gets easily distracted. Daily He speaks to me and wants me to want Him, but I dismiss Him like He’s nothing, when He’s the very reason I breathe. I have gotten in my own way, telling myself how worthless I am and that I’m too filthy to be forgiven or too unworthy to be loved by Him. I may be unworthy of God’s love, in fact we all are, but I am no longer worthless. Jesus says so!
To be able to pray and read God’s word, experience praise & worship, have direct access to the Self Existent One, He who spoke this world into existence and breathed life into dirt is a GREAT PRIVILEGE I am beyond undeserving to partake in. Our primary thought in everything we do as believers should always be Jesus. He is the reason why I mustn’t dwell on the old me. He is the reason my salvation is concrete. He is the reason I can approach and surrender my entire being, filth and all, to a holy and perfect God.
