Why me, Lord?

I left home when I was 18 and got my first apartment 2 years later. I will be 30 (yes 30!) in December, so needless to say there have been some trying times since then. This year, however, has proven to be the most difficult while being on my own. It marks two years with my current employer and one year since signing my lease. The first 6 months in my new place were a breeze. Tithes and bills were paid, with a little extra left over. Now it’s a struggle to keep up with simple necessities. It seemed out of nowhere my pay was significantly cut, which I'm currently trying to get to the bottom of. I’m sure your first thought would be to check with my employer. I’ve checked. My boss checked. His boss checked. It’s a mystery; no explanation.  I got a little behind splurging on Christmas gifts, but it wasn’t THAT extreme.

As times got harder I spent most my days praying and in the Word; pleading to the Lord for help. He provided me with my current job of two years; a position I didn’t even apply for but was called and asked to interview on my brother’s wedding day, then hired 5 days later. As I continued to pray something I saw on social media came to mind: there’s a man drowning and he yells to God for help. Even as a boat passes him, he continues to ask God for help. The man dies and goes to heaven. When he sees God he asks “Why didn’t you help me?” God answers “I sent you a boat.”

 I surely didn’t want to make the same mistake he did. So I applied for another job. Not in a million years did I think they’d hire me. It’s Chicago; EVERYONE is looking for better employment. The most education I have is an Associate’s degree with little to no experience. I continued to pray. I was honest with God and confessed I wanted the position, but more so for His will to be done. He would  know the full details of the position, what kind of future I’d have with the company, and how I’d personally fit in. It seemed as if the Lord heard and answered my prayers right away. I was interviewed one afternoon and received a call the following morning: I got the job! Things were about to quickly change for me; or so I thought. I was informed that my start date had to be pushed back from June 2^nd to August 4^th; two more months of financial troubles. I know this job isn’t going to magically whisk all my money problems away, but it’d sure help a lot.  We’ve all been through hard times. I just didn’t expect mine to last THIS long. I’m like “OK Lord, I get it; you’re in control. That’s enough suffering now”. 

Were my burdens the Lord’s way of telling me it was time to move on? It’s possible.  Or it could simply be to strengthen my faith. Only He knows.  I’ve reached out for help and even was offered help, but some way or another it didn’t happen. Frustration doesn’t begin to describe my spirit lately. I’ve asked the question ‘Why me Lord?’ countless times. I actually said this question aloud during work one day, about 10 years ago. I can’t remember what the reasoning was, which shows its insignificance, but a man walked by and replied ‘Why NOT you?’ I can’t say if he was a coworker or even what his name was. But I never forgot that. Even as I approach the Lord in prayer with frustration on my heart, He reminds me that I have everything I NEED. How different would your life be, your daily attitude, if you were without any of the following: hot clean and running water, air conditioning, being able to bathe and use the toilet in the privacy of your own home, music, turning on a light with the flip of a switch, warm meals to eat/cool liquids to drink, or television. And yet, there are people who do it EVERYDAY. My circumstances have certainly made life uncomfortable, but definitely not unbearable.

One of the ways I like to channel my energy and deal with my frustrations is by doing something I love.  And I love baking!  I guess the silver lining in my current situation is my home bakery has been doing quite well.  I’ve gotten more clients this year, than the past 2 years combined. I used to only bake for holidays or family gatherings. Now I’ve successfully baked and decorated a few tiered cakes, one of which was for a wedding. People are asking for business cards and booking me months in advance! It was just 3 years ago that I dropped out of culinary school and couldn’t figure out, for the life of me, what God had planned. I’ve always known my cooking/baking skills were gifts; both came natural to me. Without culinary school, where’d that leave me? I’ve often felt envious of more successful and more talented bakers I’d come across. Wondering what wrong turn I made to end up a college drop-out, or if this was God’s plan all along. And if so, where will it lead me? Owning my own shop?  Or always a home baker? Well I know for certain God doesn’t make mistakes. He couldn’t if he wanted to! He’s so PERFECTLY PURE mistakes go against who he is. I rest on the words “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11. It makes sense to trust the One who holds the future in His hands.

Then there’s this guy. There’s always a guy right? LOL. Well, you see the last time I’ve actually “dated” a guy was 4 years ago. If there happened to be a guy I liked or was attracted to I’d pray about it. I’d always ask God if this guy was not who he wanted for me, my future husband, to remove any and everything I felt for him according to His will. And if he was to be my husband, then prepare me for him and vice versa.  And it worked! I woke up one day, the guy(s) reached out to me or I’d happen to run into him and what I felt was no longer there. But then there’s this one particular fellow. It’s going on 3 years now and for some reason I can’t shake him. I’ve prayed the same prayer, but no matter how much time has passed between seeing him, what I feel for him seems to increase not decrease. Not only that, but I dream about him quite often.   

Two years ago I was at an event where he, my crush, was to perform. At this time we had never spoken to one another.  But he walks in, sits a few rows in front of me, and then turns COMPLETELY around to stare at me. I thought I was seeing things. My mind HAD to be playing tricks on me! Until it was confirmed by someone else that he was staring. My heart was throbbing and my pulse racing. He’s seen me before and never paid me any attention! There had to be some explanation. Well, before the event had started an old male friend asked “What is up with you?!?!” with this wide-eyed, shocked, yet amazed expression. He motioned with his arms that there was something different about my appearance. After the event I was told by a female friend that I was glowing and my aura was brightened; that there was a light shining from within me. Then I remembered reading something from several Christian blogs, how the Pastor/Minister/man of God knew who his wife was. He said one day he saw her and she was just glowing. That there was something about her appearance and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Now, it would’ve been perfect if he’d have asked me out after the event right? Nope. He walked right past me with his head down as if he could barely look at me.

Upon talking to other Christian women I learned that having a glowed appearance is the light of Christ shining from within me, Acts 6:15 says “And gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel”. Honestly it freaked me out a little because it’s never happened before.  What I asked myself is why, out the hundreds of people I saw at the event, that the Lord would allow those three, especially my crush, to see the glow He gave me. Here I am beyond excited thinking this was the Lord’s way of confirming my crush was my husband to the both of us. Now it’s been years later and….nothing. Sure I’ve seen him since then. We’ve even gotten to the point of greeting one another. And it’s the same thing; he stares but doesn’t say a word. I even saw him with a date a while ago.

Was I jealous? Heck yeah! But instead of showing off or trying to prove I was more deserving of his attention than she was, I went home and fell to my knees in prayer. I poured my heart out completely to the Lord. I admitted I was jealous, but if she’s his wife to be from Almighty God, then so be it, regardless of how I feel about him. I realized I haven’t been on a date in 4 years and the last date I had was my brother. I vented: when will it be my turn Lord?!? No one is pursuing me, kisses me, desires me, holds my hand, sends me flowers, or cuddles me at night. Why am I the only one left? Sure I’m a virgin but I still struggle with temptation. There may be some women who can go awhile without desiring sex. Well I am NOT one of those women, OK!  I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t desire those things. It’s a DAILY struggle for my mind AND flesh to fight that temptation. It. Just. Sucks. Those nights I lay awake in bed entertaining the thought of satisfying my flesh I reflect on 1 Corinthians 10:13:

Paul talks about singleness and marriage. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7 he explains that it is better to be single than marry, because as a single woman/man we long to please the Lord, but as a married woman/man our attention is divided between our spouse and the Lord. He also says it is better to marry than burn with passion because only in the sanctity of marriage can a man and woman glorify the Lord with their sexual acts. And I’m right in the center of it all. I know marriage won’t fulfil any lust I may battle with. A husband isn’t something I want to merely satisfy my flesh, out of boredom, or loneliness. It’s something I’ve desired since I was a little girl. I’d cook my dad breakfast and imagine cooking for my own family one day. Nearly every job interview I’ve had they’d ask “Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?” and I’d always reply “Married with a family of my own”.

A lot of my friends and family see me owning my own bakery one day. If given the choice between that or having a family of my own I’d choose the latter, no hesitation.  I’ve always saw myself as a wife and mother; not a doctor, not a programmer, not a Math teacher, and not an owner of a bakery (which is probably why I couldn’t figure out what to major in during college, LOL). Since grade school I’d picture myself at 25 years old walking down the aisle. By now, I should be married with 10 kids. That's all I ever saw for my future. Even BEFORE I desired to be physical with a man.

I’ve tried the world’s way. Whoever said “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” straight lied! Recently as I was praying, and venting, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a prayer I said a while ago. Prior to meeting my crush I prayed and asked the Lord that my next boyfriend would be my husband. That was 4 years ago! What you just read was the Lord answering my prayer. There’s a shield protecting me and only my future husband can break it. Isn’t that wonderfully crazy?!? Not only did the Lord hear and answer a prayer, but I am so precious in His sight that He’d guard me from all men except the one He created just for me. There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m just special!

Everything we go through in life is only temporary. Just because I’m struggling in some areas of my life doesn't mean The Lord isn't taking care of me or providing for me. Just because I’m not married now doesn’t mean it won’t happen. The lesson here is this: pour all your burdens, worries, concerns, and struggles to the Lord. Be honest. He knows your heart and inner thoughts better than you do. Let him know how you feel and allow Him to make any changes He so pleases. And even when things seem not to go as you planed, remember whatever He’s allowing to happen is for your good. Trust Him. As long as you have breath in your body, your purpose is NOT over. This is His world; we just happen to live in it.