2020 has been one for the books and I’d venture to say no one quite saw the year turning out the way it has. The world at large was faced with challenges it never thought it’d see. If nothing else, this year has shown us all how very little we actually control.
For me, the year didn’t start with any specific goals or plans. By January, I was 6 months into officially launching With Love From Karen. All I thought about was my business and what my next moves would be.
One morning before heading to an appointment, I made a quick stop at the store. I only needed about 3 items and thought it would be a simple in and out. Once I entered the shop, I stopped dead in my tracks because the store was busier than normal and the atmosphere didn’t feel right, so I immediately walked out to leave. Later that day is when I’d found out about COVID and everything closing. That would be the last day I went outside for a while.
Two weeks into COVID, my mental condition was disturbing. My thoughts were not of God at all and it was clear that the enemy had it out for me. My concerns about bills, being stuck in seclusion, and all-around depression had me in a funk for multiple weeks. By April, boredom had compounded the long list of struggles I was already facing so I decided to do something about it.
I wanted to feel better and more than anything during that time, I constantly longed for companionship. Although I knew that what I was experiencing was a spiritual battle, I made the decision not to care. I only cared about what I wanted and that was to feel something gratifying. I wanted to feel the opposite of what I was feeling and that’s when I decided, this would be the year I lose my virginity. It only seemed right, especially if the world was about to end. I mean, why not?
One specific night I looked through the contacts in my phone for male names. My agenda was to find a candidate and ask him to come over. However, as I scrolled through the names, I began to remember why I didn’t like each guy I passed. One guy didn’t floss; how can I have sex with someone who doesn’t floss? Another guy had a voice that annoyed me. He literally sounded like a woman; that’s clearly a no. The mental complaints went on until there were no more contacts to scroll through. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t looking for perfection, just someone I at least liked and wouldn’t be ashamed of.
Then the DMs happened. Since the world was shut down, I, along with everyone else on social media, became more engaging. I’d begun chatting with male friends on Facebook. Nothing serious at first, but I started to really connect with a friend I had known for some years. We decided to meet up after hours of messaging and from the moment we met in person, we could not stop talking. Let me be clear, this was not love at first sight and there were no fireworks. We both knew how wrong we were for one another. So much so that we even discussed other love interests with each other. I had someone to talk to and spend time with during one of the worst times in history and for that I was grateful.
After hanging out and talking non-stop with my friend for some weeks, I confessed to him I wanted him to be my first. He was the perfect choice in my eyes. He couldn’t have kids, there’s no love interest for either of us, he wouldn’t feel obligated to marry me and once we had sex, we both could go on living our lives. I explained to him that my only agenda was sex, nothing more, definitely nothing less. One main reason for deciding on him was that I felt safe with him. Being with him brought peace, like I was in good hands.
After thinking over my proposal for a few days, my friend tells me that he could not do what I’ve asked of him. He said “Being your first is a great responsibility. I know you’re frustrated, but God wants you to stay pure. I think you should wait until you’re married”. I was so furious with his answer I threw my phone. What’s crazy is, he’s not even a believer, so to hear him talk about God had me floored! I knew, without any doubt, the Lord was stepping in and protecting me, but I did not care. Why can’t I ever have what I want?!? ‘I lost my virginity in 2020’ became my only real goal for the year. My plan was perfect and God ruined it.
For the life of me, I cannot comprehend why God is so adamant about my purity and holiness, but others can sin so easily. This is no judgement at all, but simply what I’ve seen happening for most of my life. Years can go by while I’m single SINGLE; working, paying bills, worshipping, praying, serving, etc. I’m literally minding my own business and then, someone will enter my life and awaken the part of me that I have to hide - wanting a husband, intimacy, a partner to share life with, to be loved, to feel safe with a man in every way humanly possible.
Next month I will be turning 36. If you would have asked me when I said I’d wait for marriage if I thought I’d turn 36 and still be single and a virgin, I’d have said “NO WAY!” I’ll be honest, while I know in my head that God’s will is far superior than my own, I am still struggling with this in my heart and other parts of me. I feel very alone as there isn’t anyone that can relate to my life. Maybe one day the Lord will grant me insight to why He’s set me apart. Maybe one day a man will enter my life and actually stay. Maybe. All I know is it’s best to surrender to His will because He wins. Every single time, He wins.
* I believe in God the Father, Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit*
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