Prodigal Daughter

Before living where I am now, I’d come home to my dad and brothers from Bloomington, IL. Regardless of what the day brought, I knew going home meant I’d be in a safe space with the people that I held dearest in my heart. Any time I’d picture my future, it would be that. However, by the time I turned 36, I was living alone with no ending in sight. I hated it very much. 

At the height of this disappointment in God, I met Sean. Sean had made a name for himself within the Chicago area as an influencer of faith and had a great following. He requested me on Facebook and I accepted after seeing we had over 100 mutual friends. We began chatting on Messenger, small talk at first: food, music, laughing at videos. Then he admitted to being attracted to me and wanted to get to know me outside of social media. I was very excited, fully believing I had finally been found by a man after God’s heart. Unfortunately, the moment we met in person, it was clear the man he portrayed himself to be was nothing more than a facade. I immediately left him alone, allowing the bitterness and disappointment to grow deeper towards God. 

After Sean, it was easy to believe God was playing with me. My entire dating life was a joke. Even so-called men of God turned out to be not so. Enough was enough. It was time to take matters into my own hands. I decided the next man that came into my life, I would withhold nothing from him. I was done waiting on God.

Marcus and I began chatting on Facebook Messenger, after being friends on social media for several years. The conversation progressed from being friendly, catching up on life, offering advice, to him asking for my number. Our first conversation was 5 hours long. From that moment until our time together ended, he called me every single day.

In the beginning it seemed as if we were answers to one another's prayers. He said he asked God for his wife, but at the time he wasn't sure where he was headed in life. Nevertheless, unlike the men of my past, he refused to walk away because he wasn’t ready. He said there's no way he can walk away from the blessing God had clearly placed before him. Me! MUSIC. TO. MY. EARS.

We began sharing our lives: he had goals and certain things he wished to obtain. I stepped in as his helpmate. He included me in the multiple business ventures he had. In addition, he began to provide wise counsel on my personal gifts. For the first time in my life, I felt seen and understood. We were building the foundation of our future.

We discussed sex. I communicated often I wanted him to be my first. He did not like this idea because he said being someone’s first was a lot of pressure. Eventually, after 8 months together, he confessed his love for me and wanting to take that next step. 

The day wasn't planned. It just happened. We were at his place, he made a move and I folded like a piece of paper. Within a matter of minutes my life changed. Afterward, we went about our day as normal, while my thoughts went in circles about what had just happened. For so long I had fantasized about doing “it.” I always pictured myself excitedly texting my friends to share in that special moment, but for some reason, there was nothing to be excited about. But there was no turning back now.

About a month after we had sex, I found out there were other women. That's also when I witnessed his temper. He now felt a sense of ownership over me. It didn't matter how good I was to him, he wanted me around for how easy I made his life. At some point, everyday seemed like Russian Roulette; walking on eggshells trying not wake the beast. Any little thing could set him off. I lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety. 

I started talking to women around me; gaining insight to their current relationships/marriages. What I found was very disturbing: apparently cheating, verbal abuse, even sometimes physical abuse was normal. I confessed to an older woman, almost like an aunt, that Marcus was sleeping with other women and I was torn if I should leave him. Her response was, "That's what men do; no reason to leave".

For many years I had admired most of the relationships around me. Finding out the truth, that majority of these relationships lacked love, respect, and trust, taunted me for weeks. I tried to picture my life 10 years into the future, with Marcus, dealing with the same anxiety and fears. I couldn't do it. It took some time, but I had reached a point where I preferred to be alone and single than deal with foolishness.

I began to put up boundaries: stopping sex altogether and being so available when he called. I got hired at a local bakery, which took up most of the time he was used to having for himself. I desperately needed to be in God’s presence and around His people, so I began going back to church and even joined a small group for accountability. However, I still couldn’t find the strength to completely let him go. 

One day he texts, asking me to call him. I didn’t and he texted me angrily “F*CK YOU KAREN!” He had something shipped to my house and was waiting for it to arrive. I decided to drive to his house and take the package to him, knowing full well if he was that angry, he just may hit me. After over a year of giving God the silent treatment, I prayed. I asked the Holy Spirit to protect me and to give me the strength of 10 men if he touched me. 

Once I arrived, I simply wanted him to get his box out my trunk so I could leave, but he refused and instead harassed me with questions about what I had been doing and why I didn’t call him. I told him I had been minding my business! He grabbed me by my hoodie and said “I’ll push you in front of this car” as one drove past. I yelled back “DO IT!” He laughed and tried to hug me but I declined and let him know there would be no making up. He finally picked up his things, I left and blocked him. 

The following week I went through major withdrawals. The best way I can describe it, is a purging. Marcus was the first man I’d slept with. The most intimate act two humans can experience, I had experienced with him and now my body craved him. Daily I heard the devil tempting me to call him. “You’ll be alone forever.” “Your best years are behind you.” Who’s going to want you now?” “You’re so pathetic!” “Keep waiting on God and see how you’ll continue to be disappointed.”

To battle these thoughts I read my bible out loud. As tears poured down my face, I sat on the bedroom floor and read, but the voices in my head were louder. So loud in fact that I had pressed my hands against my ears, while in fetal position and cried myself to sleep. Once awoke, I’d start reading aloud again.

I also repented. If ‘I know I am the problem was a person’ it’d be me. I confessed how I allowed my heart to turn away from God. From the disappointment to the impatience, I completely laid out what was on my heart. Every word, every action and every thought. I did this for an entire week. 

Finally the tears stopped. I no longer craved Marcus. To be honest, after that week he barely crossed my mind. He tried coming back a year later, but it was beyond easy to not entertain the thought. Since then, I have a church home and I’ve even began mentoring high school girls and encouraging them as they grow in faith. I love them dearly and never even thought God would use me in this way. I’ve gained equally yoked friendships; men and woman that I can share my life and family with. We pray for one another, enjoy God’s presence together and have fun, together.

My biggest regret was allowing the lie of the enemy to create disappointment in God. Believing that there was a mistake in the ‘wait.’ I believed God was taking too long to send my husband all because I couldn’t see anything else for my life. Turns out, His plans are always bigger and better than we can ever imagine.

Yes, I am still single, but it doesn’t mean I will always be. Even now, I find myself ministering to someone about Jesus, and that will be the first thing they point out. How they’d rather have someone than be alone.

They can’t comprehend the confidence I have; to willingly turn down a man interested in me if he doesn’t follow Christ. It’s simple: my life is not my own. When I think about Jesus on the cross, being tortured and treated inhumanly, and dying for me, I’m reminded that the least I can do is live for Him. If you are waiting and tired, do not grow weary. Believe me, I’ve been there, but God sees you, He loves you, and His plans are good for your life! I will continue to serve where God has me and wait on His best. Nothing else will do!

“They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”